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My dad passed almost 10 years ago. My mom at 80 was sharp as a tack, read books, followed the news, was articulate Then at 82 she suffered shingles on her brain. Almost died, aphasia, memory loss, train of thought derailed. She has had some improvement but that almost makes it worse... she knows what she had and what is gone and missing. I think she is bored and hates her life. Trips to doctors all the time, nothing really improves, PT after hip replacement. She's in a great inlaw suite at my brother's house, great place but dhe can't really do much. Often in too much pain to go out to dinner, too embarrassed to go with her pack of friends because she knows she can't converse like before. They don't care about that but she won't go. I'm 1700 miles away, it's difficult to talk more that a 5-10 minutes. I hope I die before I get to 80.
No disrespect to octogenarians.
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05-06-2026 03:52 PM
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My mom was in quite good health until her late-80s, when she slowly developed some dementia. She was able to live in her home with another family member in residence until about 3 years ago, when she moved into assisted living. She slowed down a lot, but was reasonably social and happy until she took a turn for the worse last November. She had to go into a nursing home, and passed in January. My sis and I both thought it was a blessing when she went.
My dad didn't make it to 60. His lung and heart problems caught up with him. He had to take an early retirement about age 50 and was in poor health for quite awhile, but due to some effective pain treatments had a "second wind" in the mid-80s and was pretty active and happy the last 5 years of his life.
I hope to be healthy enough to be active and energetic when I'm in my 80s. So far so good.
But back to your point--getting old and frail sucks. No sugarcoating it.
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Sorry this happened to your mother but just because this happened to her doesn't mean it will be your fate.Guys like Bucky Pizz and John Pisano lived into their 90's and were healthy and still playing top tier guitar in their late 80's.The Who sang about hoping to die before they got old,but i'm sure they have a different outlook today.
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My dad was gone at 72 from cancer, but my mom is 91 and still is active with all of her marbles. She wants to make it to 100.
I will turn 69 this year and other than some arthritis and old man prostate issues, i am in fine shape. I am hoping to make it to 90 which isn't that much time left, which begs the question: what am I doing spending time on the Internet instead of being out and about with the short amount of time that is left? Hmm....
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Not everyone ages the same.
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Yes, it's very difficult. My parents had been in their home for decades, into their late 80's when their health crashed and they couldn't take care of themselves. It was a difficult, stressful move to assisted living, where they lived for another decade. A very long time for me, too, an hour away, visiting monthly or more, handling their affairs, advocating for care as things declined, illnesses, rehab. It caused a lot of strain in my life, too, and 4 years later I'm glad it's behind me.
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Lost my mom almost 3 weeks ago. She was 89 and really other than the last year alive was fine. She developed breast cancer rare at her age, but it advanced and she did not do anything. The last 3 months were very painful. I am blessed to see her out of pain. I was able to be the deacon at Mass, preach, and she had 4 priests concelebrate her funeral Mass. I am glad of that but she was my go-to person for things except the last year of her life. That was hard because she knew jazz guitar, married to my dad ( studio guitarist LA) and had met many guitarists over the years. She could not take the place of my beloved wife who died 7 years ago but she was my closest contact.
A true story about mom. She said once in the early 1960's my dad and her went to see Barney Kessell at PJ's jazz club in LA. He came over to the table between sets and she said he was very nice. My dad and him complained a bit that jazz guitarist never got the acclaim and attention like country players. My dad said that Chet Atkins was a household word but not any jazz guitarist. To that my mother told Barney she would rather play the guitar like he did than have a household name. Barney, was I think pleased. My mother knew guitars too, she thought my best sounding guitar was my Barker, to her it was very mellow and full.
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Your mom sounds like she was a hot ticket Deacon. I'm sorry for your loss and a bit jealous of the support you received.
Thanks to everyone for their replies.
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My mom must be about 80 and the old man turns 78 or 79 this year and has been off and on with prostate cancer. Currently in remission, monitoring his PSA's closely and on a lot of scrips but doing well. Pop retired at 58....I never really considered he'd get old-old and I moved from FL where my parents retired over to TX chasing gigs...a couple times actually, lol.
I've seen them all of about 10-12 hours in the last decade. Mom maybe 6 or 8 hours. I'd like to take a trip there this Christmas but not sure that's going to be in the cards. I'm working my way out of debt and gas is expensive right now and as a tall person flying commercial is like enduring misery so it's not really worth it. Plus our daughter is there so the wife wants to go. A getaway would be nice since it's our 25th anniversary this October. Hoping to get it worked out sometime soon. At least we have the life to come to spend eternity together if nothing else.
Sorry to those who've lost their parents here. I'm not really looking forward to that day and it could be any time now....
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Here's a pic of my wife's Uncle Jack about 20 years ago. Jack is playing Christmas tunes with me and my son on tenor horn.
Jack was 97 at that time. He led the annual Christmas sing-along once more after that and hung it up after 98.
Even so, Jack did well for several more years, living with his daughter and going out to a restaurant for lunch once or twice a week. The locals in the family came over for Sunday supper. Things went downhill around 102 and he died halfway through that year.
I think that Jack missed a lot of people who died before he did, but he wanted to hold on and he made something of his time too.
Probably only a few of us will get that. Even so I say, "You better not pout -- I'm tellin' you why!"
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Dawg, my dad was diagnosed with aggressive prostate cancer at age 60. He did radiation treatment (the best that they had in 1990) and later did hormone treatment and diet in 2002 at age 72. His older brother was diagnosed with aggressive prostate cancer at 74 in 1999. He did radiation treatment and was dead two years later from blood cancer, probably a rare byproduct of his radiation treatment. I have been getting annual PSA tests since 45 and the docs tell me that if I make it to 70 without any sign of the cancer, not to worry. I think I will worry about it until about age 75 just in case. When I did DNA testing with 23andme, they said that I don't carry the gene associated with prostate cancer, but it could still happen and I remain vigilant.
Originally Posted by DawgBone
You should be testing annually as your risk is high if you have a father that has that cancer. These days the treatment options are very good, and they can keep you alive until something else kills you as long as you catch the cancer early. I am still planning on making it to 90 and dying of a heart attack in my sleep.
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Well, to cut right to the chase and avoid a long winded diatribe about how much I've grown to hate the medical industry post covid; I'm not insured, can't afford to be insured, and probably never will be able to afford to be. The last procedure of any sort that I needed was a crown for a tooth which ran about two grand and set me back financially about five months. I got gold cause it lasts longer and probably boosted my credibility as a bluesman, lol. If I get prostate cancer, I need to die as quickly as possible. I'd love to live until I'm 90-100 as long as I'm able bodied and can still lug a Twin. No real interest in handing my home and lands to a hospital or living on handfuls of pills in between appointments just to add a couple extra years to my age. It is what it is. I have placed all my faith in the Lord, partly because it's not popular, partly because I find peace there, and partly because that's all I can afford. It all works out in the end. Originally Posted by Stringswinger
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Some people get old quickly, some very slowly. When I was flying EMS we picked up a lot of patients who looked like they were 80 or older, but were actually younger than me, in their 50s. My father passed from a heart attack in his 50s. My mother lived well into her 90s, but dementia was a serious issue for years. It was hard taking care of her and her finances from hundreds of miles away. She refused to live with any of her children, and finally suffered a broken hip in a fall and was in a nursing home until she passed from old age. Being a caretaker for an aging parent is difficult in multiple ways. The role reversal is an issue that not everyone can overcome. I'm not 80 yet, but my birthday is only a couple of months away. I'm very thankful that my wife and I are still healthy and independent. I now understand my mother's refusal to live with her children, and we don't want to do that either. But the day may come when we have to accept the lesser of the evils. I just hope it's another 10 years or more before that happens, though.
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My Dad turned 94 last week. Lost my Mom 9 years ago and over time all his friends are gone too. He has his issues but is generally healthy and is sharp as a tack. Lives with my Sis and her Husband who bought his house and take great care of him, but he's pretty open that he's ready. Loves his kids, grandkids and great grandkids but when your people - wife, friends etc are all gone it still feels lonely. I don't think I'd be happy getting that old if I had to do it alone.
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Thankfully my dad passed quickly at 70 from a heart attack, he was slipping a bit but not too bad. Mom passed 15 years ago and suffered Alzhiemers... I can tell you that is heartbreaking at the deepest level.
I've now survived longer than my brother, father, and grandfather. I'm in the final stages of cancer, and there is a bit of cognitive decline after 12 concussions, and the body aches of 33 broken bones and acute kidney failure a few years back.
My kids are in the denial stage, they want me to live to 100 ... I prefer quality over quantity ..
Music keeps me going, while I can't do much else, I can still play guitar a few hours a day .. that is a blessing.
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Man, this thread makes me sad.....
My mother was an involuntary medium, a few of our relatives visited her (in spirit) before they passed away. The first one I remember was her mother who appeared to her, said goodbye and that they'd see each other again. Hours later we got a phone call saying she'd died of a heart attack - no reason to expect that, she was fairly young, about 60 years old. Years later my cat visited her, he'd gotten out of the house and the next morning she called me to say he'd woken her up that night (he stayed with her sometimes). Next day I found out he'd been struck by car and died that night. Originally Posted by DawgBone
Both of my parents died in their 90's and were mentally sharp when they went, but both of their deaths were expedited by medical negligence. I was just glad I had two sisters to help me handle it.
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It is worth thinking about this subject in the context of yourself and your loved ones. Everyone leaves.
This is a tough subject. I've spent decades with end-of-life care and grief therapy. There is no single path. There is pain in saying goodbye.
What really changed my thinking is the commonness of paranormal experiences the dying and the survivors experience.
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My mother passed away seventy-three years ago. My father - a truly evil man - died with cancer in 2010 at age 87. I am now sole carer for an invalid wife who turned 79 a couple of weeks ago, she is essentially bed-ridden after a series of strokes and other accidents / medical issues.
I had a great-aunt who died at 96, but only because they finally convinced her that she could no longer continue as a working shepherdess in English weather.
In my family we die young or late, with little middle ground.
I am still a volunteer firefighter and turn out when I can, though I am no longer at the front of the line to run into burning buildings.
My roll call of those who have gone before seems ever expanding, I have attended four memorials/wakes in the past seven days with one more scheduled for next week.
I have said it before and will repeat it here -"I am so unlucky I will probably be bloody immortal!"
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If you'd written "I hope I die before I get to that point where my Mom is now" you wouldn't need to apologize to any particular age group. Originally Posted by MiniMerckx.22
My parents are both 87, and they are embarassingly healthy...not just for their age, they'd probably be considered healthy compared to most folks 20 years their junior.
Mom plays pickleball three days a week, and teaches a tap dance class two other days a week. Dad plays handball (4-wall, indoor) two or three days a week. They are both active gardners, and don't shy away from any physical activity.
Four years ago my wife and I moved to the same city as Mom & Dad, in part to keep an eye on them, and they're practically refusing our assistance! I told them "You never need to get up on a ladder ever again; next time you think of climbing one, just pick up the phone and I'll be there in 15 minutes." Next time I saw them Mom says "Oh, your father was on a ladder today...but he only went up on the first step, so we didn't bother calling you."
They happily volunteer for any/every cognitive study that the local university sponsors, and according to their physician (who specializes in geriatric health) they're acing everything. No indications of dementia or cognitive decline.
I mean, I can tell that there's been some slight cognitive decline: Dad forgets that he's told us the same story the last three times we visit, and the strategic pauses that he's historically interjected into his jokes for dramatic effect have gotten longer and longer over the years... But man, they are living large and not succumbing to age in any overt way.
I hope it's genetic!
(Spoiler Alert: It is. According to a recent article in the New York Times, no matter how healthy your diet and lifetyle are, if you don't have a hereditary component for longevity you won't live beyond the statistical median age.)
Sorry to hear that your Mom "hates her life" but I hope you -- and everyone -- lives a long and fruitful life without fearing any approaching milestones.
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A friend's parents were vegetarians who exercised regularly (and they were wealthy and able to afford the best medical care) but neither of them made it to 80. My mom's older sister is 96 and ate a somewhat unhealthy diet all of her life (and smoked ) and she mostly lived a very sedentary life. It all doesn't seem very fair, but it is what it is. Originally Posted by Bob_Ross
They say that when you are young you go to lots of weddings and when you are old you go to lots of funerals. Until a couple of years ago (when I was playing music for a living), that sure wasn't true for me as I was playing about a dozen weddings a year.
It is later than we think. Play them guitars while you can!
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My dad died at the age of 54 of a heart attack in 1978. My wife of 35 years died at only 66 in 2019 of colon cancer. My mother died last fall in her sleep in her own apartment 5 weeks and 1 day after she turned 100. I'm 77. I ski in the winter, ride a bicycle in the summer, and play the guitar every day. I don't know what it all means, but I'm going to keep doing what I love to do until I no longer can. What else is there?
Last edited by Tom Karol; 05-07-2026 at 10:41 AM.
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My deepest sympathies to all who have lost loved ones. I’m approaching my 9th decade, so my wife and I have lived through this many times. Fortunately, we’re still here together - but we know first hand how fragile that equilibrium can be.
My wife and I lived through the deaths of our parents, and it was as others describe in this thread - literally like all of them. We had one live past 100 while cheerful and independently functional for all but the last year, two who had multiple illnesses and got a bit flaky before passing only a little beyond the hump on their bell shaped curves, and one who probably would have lived forever had it not been for the smoking, obesity, total lack of exercise, and a healthy (at least until it wasn’t) disregard for medical advice and those who gave it.
But if you think watching your parents age is tough, wait until you’re watching yourself age. It’s not for the faint of heart
That’s because there are lots of wedding bands here, SS. Ain’t no such thing as a funeral band in most cultures endemic to the US. If you were connected to many cultures from Taiwan, Africa, Vietnam, Poland, Jamaica, and more than a few others, you’d have been playing funerals as often as you wanted to (or more). NOLA is the best example of that spirit within the continental US. Maybe the funeral band business could save live music in the US - how ironic would that be ?? Originally Posted by Stringswinger
There were about 2.3 million weddings in the US last year and 2.4 million funerals. I think it’d be great to include music as part of a Bon Voyage party when we exit stage top (or bottom - YMMV). I’d love to know that my death prompted my friends & family to get together, groove to the music, sip a wee dram, reminisce about the good times and things we all shared, and have a few hours’ rest from the craziness I’ll be leaving behind. I’d also be thrilled that my passing created a decent gig for a few musicians
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As my late mother (who remained mentally sharp as a tack till the very end despite multiple orthopedic issues) used to say, "Getting old isn't for the squeamish!" Originally Posted by nevershouldhavesoldit
...But if you think watching your parents age is tough, wait until you’re watching yourself age. It’s not for the faint of heart
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Death is just a part of life. Every living thing that has existed in the history of this earth is either dead or soon will be. We mourn the dead, but we should remember that death is inevitable. I don't fear it, but I would prefer to defer it for awhile. A time may come when I no longer want to defer it, but that time is not today. That said, I fear the loss of my faculties more than I fear death. I don't want to live unable to care for myself. I worry more about the deaths of my children and grandchildren than I do about my own. I hope to never know about those, although I know they are inevitable.
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John Mortimer said it well: Originally Posted by sgosnell
”There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward.”
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