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A horn player and a guitarist travel by taxi to a jazz gig but which of them is the professional musician?
The taxi driver
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"Avant-garde jazz is written by people shooting watermelon seeds at blank music paper."
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A jazz fan dies and passes to the other side. With St. Peter, he heads to a crowded club and recognizes the other customers as Lester Young, Billie Holiday, Thelonious Monk, and Charlie Parker. The jazz fan sees a man, with his back toward the rest of the crowd, dressed in black, sitting at the far end of the bar, and asks St. Peter, “Who’s that?” “Oh,” St. Peter responds, “that’s God. He thinks he’s Miles Davis.”
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This is a horrible joke, but no jazz jokes thread is complete without it, so I'll take the hit.
So a so Cal trumpeter calls up Buddy Rich but gets his wife instead. With tears in her voice she informs the trumpeter that Buddy has passed away.
5 minutes later the trumpeter calls back and the wife, somewhat confused, says "sorry, Buddy's dead."
This happens three more times before Buddy's wife screams at the trumpeter "He's dead dammit? Are you hard of year in or just stupid? He's gone, dead, deceased! Do you understand?"
To which the trumpeter says "oh yeah, I understand. I just love hearing someone say it."
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One more.
An old school sax player finds himself with a big gig and his longtime drummer has another obligation. At the urging of a few friends, he hires a much younger drummer sight unseen.
The young guy shows up and seems to know his stuff, so the relieved sax player grabs a drink while his new drummer heads backstage. A few minutes later, he goes backstage himself where he finds his new drummer charging his iPad, tapping out a few rhythms in garage band.
"SHIT!" the trumpeter exclaims. "They didn't tell me you play Fender drums!"
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This is the flip to the jazz fan in heaven. He dies, wakes up in a jazz club, looks on stage and sees, Trane, Miles,Wes, Bill Evans, Mingus, turns to the person next to him and says, wow, I never thought I'd make it to heaven. Companion says wait a bit. Then in walks Karen Carpenter with her drumsticks...
Brad
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Two musicians and a drummer are at a bar...
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A rooster is getting ready to retire from his gig at the Farm. He sent the word out to some young roosters to come up and audition for the gig.
The first young rooster comes up and scats Bird's solo on Night in Tunisia, nothing happens, the sun doesn't come up, no dogs start barking, nothing.
The next young rooster comes up and does Trane's solo on Giant Steps, still nothing happens.
A third rooster comes up and does Ornette's thing on Ramblin still nothing happens.
Finally the Old Rooster says, "why you sad motherf#$%&@s" ,and clears his throat gives a little cough and cries out COCK A DOODLE DO, COCK A DOODLE DO!
The sun comes up, dogs start barking, the farmer wakes up and all the rest. The old rooster looks at younger ones and says...
"I TOLD YOU SAD MUTHA' FUGGAS, YA GOTTA LEARN THE STANDARDS FIRST !!"
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How do you know if the bass player used to play guitar?
He calls out 'Cherokee' at 300 BPM when you get onstage.
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I'm sure you've all heard this one before, but here goes anyway:
Q. What's the difference between a blues guitarist and a jazz guitarist?
A. A blues guitarist plays 3 chords for 1,000 people. A jazz guitarist plays 1,000 chords for 3 people...
[Ouch!]
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Ok, here's a few:
A jazz pianist plays in a bar. During the break a guy from China walks up to him and says "Can you play me a jazz chord". So the guys shrugs and plays some fancy extended chord. The Chinese guys goes "No, no, a jazz chord!". So the pianist plays a little progression and says "This jazzy enough for you?".
The china man rolls his eyes and says "No, A JAZZ CHORD!!!". So the pianist plays an even wilder progression and asks "How about this then?". The Chinese gentleman goes, "No! (singing): A jazz chord to say I love you!" (hint: do this out loud in your typical fake Chinese accent to the melody of Stevie Wonder's big hit 
).
A Jazz musician visits the doctor, who tells him: "I have bad news: you have three more months to live!". The musician groans and sighs "Three months! But how, doctor?".
Last: What is the difference between an eel and a jazz musician? One is a slimy smelly creature you wouldn't touch with a barge pole, the other is a fish!
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Two attractive young ladies walking down a country lane are startled by a frog jumping out of the bushes on to the road. They are even more surprised when the frog assumes a theatrical pose and begins to speak:
Frog (in Shakespearean tones): O ye fair damsels, what ye see before ye is not really an ugly frog, but a jazz musician that was transformed into a frog by the evil spell of a wicked witch. But, if one of ye beautiful maidens is brave enough to kiss me, the evil spell will be broken, and I will be transformed back into a great jazz musician. For, before the witch's spell turned me into a slimy frog, I was the greatest jazz musician that ever lived!
For a moment the two young ladies are dumbfounded and stand staring at the frog in amazement. Suddenly, one of the girls quickly snatches up the frog and puts it in her pocket.
'Well, aren't you going to kiss it then?' asks her friend.
'Are you kidding?' says the first, 'A talking frog is worth a hell of a lot more than a jazz musician'.
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Question: How do you make a small fortune playing jazz guitar?
Answer: Start with a large forturne.
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This comes from some website, a bit lengthy, but funny:
HOW JAZZ WORKS
List of Characters:
Piano:
Pianists are intellectuals and know-it-alls. They studied theory, harmony and composition in college. Most are riddled with self-doubt. They are usually bald. They should have big hands, but often don't. They were social rejects as adolescents. They go home after the gig and play with toy soldiers. Pianists have a special love-hate relationship with singers. If you talk to the piano player during a break, he will condescend.
Bass:
Bassists are not terribly smart. The best bassists come to terms with their limitations by playing simple lines and rarely soloing. During the better musical moments, a bassist will pull his strings hard and grunt like an animal. Bass players are built big, with paws for hands, and they are always bent over awkwardly. If you talk to the bassist during a break, you will not be able to tell whether or not he's listening.
Drums:
Drummers are radical. Specific personalities vary, but are always extreme. A drummer might be the funniest person in the world, or the most psychotic, or the smelliest. Drummers are uneasy because of the many jokes about them, most of which stem from the fact that they aren't really musicians. Pianists are particularly successful at making drummers feel bad. Most drummers are highly excitable; when excited, they play louder. If you decide to talk to the drummer during a break, always be careful not to sneak up on him.
Saxophone:
Saxophonists think they are the most important players on stage. Consequently, they are temperamental and territorial. They know all the Coltrane and Bird licks but have their own sound, a mixture of Coltrane and Bird. They take exceptionally long solos, which reach a peak half way through and then just don't stop. They practice quietly but audibly while other people are trying to play. They are obsessed. Saxophonists sleep with their instruments, forget to shower, and are mangy. If you talk to a saxophonist during a break, you will hear a lot of excuses about his reeds.
Trumpet:
Trumpet players are image-conscious and walk with a swagger. They are often former college linebackers. Trumpet players are very attractive to women, despite the strange indentation on their lips. Many of them sing; misguided critics then compare them to either Louis Armstrong or Chet Baker depending whether they're black or white. Arrive at the session early, and you may get to witness the special trumpet game. The rules are: play as loud and as high as possible. The winner is the one who plays loudest and highest. If you talk to a trumpet player during a break, he might confess that his favorite player is Maynard Ferguson, the merciless God of loud-high trumpeting.
Guitar:
Jazz guitarists are never very happy. Deep inside they want to be rock stars, but they're old and overweight. In protest, they wear their hair long, prowl for groupies, drink a lot, and play too loud. Guitarists hate piano players because they can hit ten notes at once, but guitarists make up for it by playing as fast as they can. The more a guitarist drinks, the higher he turns his amp. Then the drummer starts to play harder, and the trumpeter dips into his loud/high arsenal. Suddenly, the saxophonist's universe crumbles, because he is no longer the most important player on stage. He packs up his horn, nicks his best reed in haste, and storms out of the room. The pianist struggles to suppress a laugh. If you talk to a guitarist during the break he'll ask intimate questions about your 14-year-old sister.
Vocals:
Vocalists are whimsical creations of the all-powerful jazz gods. They are placed in sessions to test musicians' capacity for suffering. They are not of the jazz world, but enter it surreptitiously. Example: A young woman is playing minor roles in college musical theater. One day, a misguided campus newspaper critic describes her singing as "jazzy." Voila! A star is born! Quickly she learns "My Funny Valentine," "Summertime," and "Route 66." Her training complete, she embarks on a campaign of musical terrorism. Musicians flee from the bandstand as she approaches. Those who must remain feel the full fury of the jazz universe. The vocalist will try to seduce you--and the rest of the audience-- by making eye contact, acknowledging your presence, even talking to you between tunes. DO NOT FALL INTO THIS TRAP! Look away, make your distaste obvious. Otherwise the musicians will avoid you during their breaks. Incidentally, if you talk to a vocalist during a break, she will introduce you to her "manager."
Trombone:
The trombone is known for its pleading, voice-like quality. "Listen," it seems to say in the male tenor range, "Why won't anybody hire me for a gig?" Trombonists like to play fast, because their notes become indistinguishable and thus immune to criticism. Most trombonists played trumpet in their early years, then decided they didn't want to walk around with a strange indentation on their lips. Now they hate trumpet players, who somehow get all the women despite this disfigurement. Trombonists are usually tall and lean, with forlorn faces. They don't eat much. They have to be very friendly, because nobody really needs a trombonist. Talk to a trombonist during a break and he'll ask you for a gig, try to sell you insurance, or offer to mow your lawn.
Picking the Tune
Every time a tune ends, someone has to pick a new one. That's a fundamental concept that, unfortunately, runs at odds with jazz group processes. Tune selection makes a huge difference to the musicians. They love to show off on tunes that feel comfortable, and they tremble at the threat of the unknown. But to pick a tune is to invite close scrutiny: "So this is how you sound at your best. Hmm..." It's a complex issue with unpredictable outcomes. Sometimes no one wants to pick a tune, and sometimes everyone wants to pick a tune. The resulting disagreements lead to faction-building and under extreme conditions even impromptu elections. The politics of tune selection makes for some of the session's best entertainment.
Example 1: No one wants to pick a tune (previous tune ends)
(silence)
trumpet player: "What the f#@*? Is someone gonna to pick a tune?"
(silence)
trumpet player: "This s%!* is lame. I'm outa here." (Storms out of room, forgetting to pay tab).
rest of band (in unison): "Yes!!!" (Band takes extended break, puts drinks on trumpet player's tab).
Example 2: Everyone wants to pick a tune, resulting in impromptu selection and eventual tune selection
(previous tune ends)
(pianist and guitarist simultaneously):
"Beautiful Love!"/"Donna Lee!"
guitarist to pianist: "You just want to play your fat, stupid ten-note chords!"
pianist to guitarist: "You just want to play a lot of notes really fast!"
saxophonist: "'Giant Steps'."
(a treacherous Coltrane tune practiced obsessively by saxophonists.)
guitarist and pianist (together): "Go ahead, asshole."
trumpet player: "This shit is lame. 'Night in Tunisia'."
(a Dizzy Gillespie tune offering bounteous opportunities for loud, high playing.)
saxophonist: "Sorry, forgot my earplugs, Maynard."
(long, awkward silence)
pianist, guitarist, saxophonist, trumpet player all turn to drummer:
"Your turn, Skinhead."
(drummer pauses to think of hardest possible tune; a time-tested drummer ploy to punish real musicians who play actual notes.)
drummer: "Stablemates."
trumpet player: F#@* this! I'm outta here." (Storms out of room, bartender chases after him.)
("Stablemates")
trombonist: "Did someone forget to turn off the CD player?"
Not only are these disagreements fun to watch; they create tensions that will last all through the night. (As an educated audience member, you might want to keep a flow chart diagramming the shifting alliances. You can also keep statistics on individual tune-calling. Under no circumstances, though, should you take sides or yell out song titles. Things are complicated enough already.)
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Q: What do you call a guitarist who has no girlfriend?
A: Homeless
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Q: What's the difference between a drummer and a pizza?
A: A pizza can feed a family of four.
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Ok, my favorite drummer joke:
How do you know the stage is level? The drummer drools from both corners of his mouth.
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A piano trio has a regular gig each Friday but on one particular Friday, all three send in deps, each unaware that the other two players have done the same - so three strangers who have never met turn up to do the gig. The first set goes ok, and at the break, two of them head for the bar while the third one heads for the restroom. One of the guys at the bar says to the other 'so...tell me about yourself...what do you do for a day job?' 'I'm a nuclear physicist' comes the reply 'and my hobbies are chess problems and reading the works of the great philosophers; how about you?' 'Well,' comes the reply 'I'm a political journalist, and in my spare time I'm the local representative of Mensa, the high IQ society.' At this point the third player arrives from the restroom and joins the other two at the bar....simultaneously they both say to him 'hey...what make of cymbals do you use?'
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I'll link to this old raunchy chestnut about one approach to naming your tunes
http://www.jokes2go.com/jokes/8087.html
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Two old friends meet after long time. The question is made: "What's up?". The normal guy tells about job, house, wife, kids, dog, new car etc. The jazz guitarist tells that he just released an album.
- Oh, yes, I know, I bought it.
- Oh, so it was you?
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I was talking to one of my coworkers and I told him I play guitar. He said half-jokingly, "Guitarists get all the chicks, damn!". I said, seriously, "I play jazz guitar, Which means I only attract old white men and butch lesbians".
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BANDLEADER: "OK, I'll Remember April. First six bars in Ab. Bar 7 modulate down to F. Bar 12, back up to Ab but in 7/8."
SINGER: "I could possibly do that!"
BANDLEADER: "You did last night . . . "
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A traveler joins a safari in Africa. They had been following their guide into the wild for some time when the guy hears faint drumming far away.
-Hey, what is this? He ask the guide
-Nothing, dont worry.
The next day, the drumming continue and gets louder and louder with every hour that pass by and our guy begin to fear.
-Sir! What is this, are we in danger?
-I told you, dont worry, as long as you hear the drumming we're fine.
-But,...what happens when the drumming stops?
-Bass solo
Last edited by Takemitsu; 01-18-2015 at 05:15 PM.
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Two cowboys were waiting in their fort for the Indians to attack. They listened to the distant pounding war drums.
One cowboy muttered to the other, "The situation looks very bad. And I don't like the sound of those drums either."
Just then, a distant voice came over the hill, "He's not our regular drummer!"
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A young guitarist gets onstage for his first jazz performance class. Carl Schroeder is on the piano, Joe Brancato is on the drums, and Bob Magnusson is on bass.
The young guitarist calls out Stella and he plays his heart out.
Carl Schroeder says to the young guitarist..."Listen, you played the head wrong, your comping sucked, and your solo sounded like crap. But, take heart."
"Why?", said the young guitarist.
Carl smiles and says, "Because at least your guitar was out of tune. Next!"
(wasn't funny as a 19 year kid, but at 48, hilarious)
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