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A jazz musician dies and wakes up in heaven. He hears this amazing jazz and walks over to a stage where all his heroes are playing: Bird, Monk, Trane etc.
He sees an old friend by the side of the stage and asks if it would be ok to sit in - his friend replies:
"Man, this is heaven! you get to play as much as you want with whoever you want! Except there's just one catch... God's girlfriend's a jazz singer".
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01-18-2015 07:56 PM
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Q: How do you get the bass player to leave your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza....
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Q: What do you get when you play jazz backwards?
A: More jazz
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I have nothing to contribute but it's good to laugh. Thanks for the jokes!
Regards -
Cliff
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The five symptoms of lazziness;
1.
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Sign posted by the fire marshal in a jazz club:
"Occupancy of this room by more than 350 people is unlawful."
Penciled in below the print:
"And unlikely."
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A piano trio takes a break and the pianist goes out back to get some fresh air.
He finds the bassist and drummer rolling in the dirt, beating on each other. He separates them and asks what the problem is.
The bass player says, "Right at the end of the last tune HE reached up and detuned one of my strings.....
....And he won't tell me which one it was."
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Originally Posted by mr. beaumont
creepy! If you substitute trombonist for trumpeter this could be a true story, for those of you familiar with the buddy rich tapes. The main guy getting a reaming used to teach at my school LOL.
Its fair to say that Buddy was quite the screamer, so, in context this is pretty funny. After Buddy has just chewed this guy out, you get these types of classic moments:
Trombonist- Well, I’d just appreciate, you know, being talked to like a human being.
BR- I try to talk to you like a human being and you talk back all the time…Last edited by Jazzism; 02-03-2015 at 02:10 AM.
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A few cheeky jazz quotes:
Betty Carter: "If it wasn't for hustlers, gangsters and gamblers, there'd be no jazz. Wasn't middle-class who said 'Let's hear Bird tonight.'"
Paul Desmond: "I have won several prizes as the world's slowest alto player, as well as a special award in 1961 for quietness."
Carmen McRae: "Blues is to jazz what yeast is to bread--without it, it's flat."
Charles Mingus: "Good jazz is when the leader jumps on the piano, waves his arms, and yells. Fine jazz is when a tenorman lifts his foot in the air. Great jazz is when he heaves a piercing note for 32 bars and collapses on his hands and knees. A pure genius of jazz is manifested when he and the rest of the orchestra run around the room, while the rhythm section grimaces and dances around their instruments."
Wes Montgomery: "I never practice my guitar... from time to time I just open the case and throw in a piece of raw meat."
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A singer shows up for an audition with a jazz band. They run a few of her charts and when she's finished the leader asks if she can sing "When Sonny Gets Blue". She says she's heard it but she's not really familiar with the tune. The leader says not to worry, if she has a problem the piano player will help her out, so she agrees. The leader counts it out and around he fifth bar she looks to the pianist for help, and he yells out, "Bbmin7 b5".
Last edited by ah.clem; 02-21-2015 at 01:11 PM. Reason: Never post after drinking too much wine!
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(( credit to Jack Grassel ))
Two trombone players play a duo gig one New Years' Eve, and play their hearts out. The audience loves them and the place is packed all night.
So after the gig, the owner comes up to them and says, " Man you guys were great. "..." Can I sign you guys up for next New Years Eve too ?? "
And the one guys says " Why sure - -is it ok if we leave our stuff ?? "
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old music school joke there was a lot trombone player jokes.
What's the difference between a violin and a trombone? At least you can sell the violin on eBay.
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Question: What's the difference between Rock music and Jazz music?
Answer: Rock music is made up of three chords, played for an audience of thousands. Jazz is the opposite.
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And here's two punchlines only. The jokes are as old as they are off-color:
1. And the piano player looks at the lady and says: " No, but if you hum a couple bars, I'll see if I can't pick it up "....
2. And the young girl grabs the guy like she's holding a microphone and says : " Hiya Mom ? - - this is Stella "...
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I'm told this was Dizzy Gillespie's favorite joke:
Slim goes to the doctor for a hearing aid. The doc says that for $100, he can get a hearing aid that does the job, and for $5,000, he can get one that works very well. But, for $12,000, he can get one that will allow him to hear everything! Slim says, "I'll take the $12,000 hearing aid!"
So Slim gets the device, and he's playing poker with his buddies, and he is so happy with his new hearing aid that he is telling them all about it, about all of the options that were available, and about how he can now hear everything. His buddies were very interested, and one of them asks, "How much did you pay for it?" Slim says, "Well, I paid $12,000 for it, but I can hear everything!" So his buddy says, "Man, that's great! What kind is it?"
Slim says, "Oh, it's about 8:30..."
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An old jazz musician walks into the doctor's office and tells the doctor that something is wrong with his hearing aid. The doctor asks which ear does he put the aid in. He points to the right. The doctor looks in his ear and says " No wonder you're having trouble. There's some kind of greasy substance in your ear. It looks like it's a suppository of some kind." The old jazzer smacks himself on the head and says, "Now I know what I did with my hearing aid".Last edited by zigzag; 02-23-2015 at 09:38 PM.
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A lot of these were old when the Dead Sea was just slightly sick. Ecological humorists - recycling old jokes!
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What about Jazz musician slang. Miles Davis is known for lots comments that took his band members days to figure out, because you didn't dare ask. Like "don't play the butter notes". Charles Lloyd to his piano player "the chord needs more water". What others have y'all heard???
Two of my favorite comments about guys with great ears...
The cat could hear a rat piss in cotton.
The guy had ears down to his pockets.
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The annual gala concert is upcoming for this conductor and his first trumpet quits, leaving the conductor high and dry for the event. He spends days networking but can't find anyone to fill the spot. Worse yet, the program features multiple complex horn solos which limits his selection of players.
The percussionist sees his distress as time goes on and says " I know a friend of a friend who's a jazz trumpeter who can fill in. He's a great player but a bit eccentric. "
The conductor says to bring him in for the next practice although has some major reservations but says he'll pay him for his time if he can fit in.
The horn player shows on time but is disheveled, has his horn in a plastic bag and is high but overall a laid back, friendly character. The conductor gets one look at him and goes crazy on the percussionist telling him to get the bum out of there and is even more distraught now that his one hope is dashed.
With only a few days before the concert the conductor is out of options and tells the percussionist to bring his horn friend back as he'll tolerate anything at this point.
The horn player returns looking about the same and the conductor gives him his music and offers a bit of time to review it. The trumpeter says " No problem man, let's just groove " So the conductor starts the program from the top and the trumpeter just nails it! He's sight reading everything without mistakes, is fluid and not overplaying, and his solos are incredible, much better than the first trumpeter who quit!
The conductor is overjoyed! He runs up to the jazz guy and says " You were just amazing! I can't believe how great you played today. You're really helping us out big time here, thank you, thank you, thank you! "
The jazz trumpeter says " Hey no problem man! It's the least I could do for not making the gig. "
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Originally Posted by docbop
This made me think of the Grateful Dead story of when they were recording "Anthem of the Sun" and drove the producer crazy because they wanted the sound of "heavy air" in the background on a certain tune...
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Q. What do you get when you ask two vocalists to sing in unison?
A. A minor second.
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Can't believe this one hasn't been told already! Jazz musician wins the lottery, they ask him what are you gonna do with all your $$$$$ Answer: Gig till I go broke!
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What's the difference between a Female Singer and a Pitbull? Answer: Pitbulls don't wear jewelry!
Jazz musicians dies and goes to heaven. St. peter meets him at the gate and proceeds to show him all around. Jazz musician asks St. Peter if they have a band?
St. Peter: "Yes, and not only that but all of the former great Jazz who have died are in the band as well, Charlie Parker, John Coltrane, Dizzy,Miles,Charles Mingus,etc. But there's a down side to it!
Jazz musician: "What could possibly be the down side to that?
St Peter: "God's girlfriend is the Chick Singer!"
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Why do drummers have slightly larger brains than horses?
So they don't embarrass themselves during parades.
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The wife of the guitar collector had finally had enough. One morning she walked in and beat her husband to death with his collection. Her husband under a heap of guitars, she's taken away.
The judge at the arraignment asks "First offender?"
"No, your honor" she replies... "The Gibson was first. THEN the Fender."
Budda bing
David
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