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  1. #126

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    A guy calls Schwartz; Schwartz; Schwartz & Schwartz:

    'Hello, this is Schwartz; Schwartz; Schwartz & Schwartz. How can I help you?'

    'May I speak to Mr. Schwartz?'

    'I'm sorry, sir. He's golfing'.

    'OK---may I have Mr. Schwartz?'

    'Sorry again. He called in sick'.

    'OK, OK---Mr. SCHWARTZ then!'

    'He's no longer with the firm, so sorry'.

    'MR. SCHWARTZ----PLLLEEAAASE!!'

    'SPEAKING!'...

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    The Jazz Guitar Chord Dictionary
     
  3. #127

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    Quote Originally Posted by Flat
    On the difference between heaven and hell:

    In heaven, a proper English butler greets you at the gate.
    The Germans are in charge of the administration. Everything is handled most efficiently.
    The French are in charge of the cuisine. Gourmet!
    The Italians are in charge of the music. Magnifico!

    In hell, a rude French butler greets you at the gate.
    The Italians are in charge of the administration.
    The English are in charge of the cuisine.
    And the Germans are in charge of the music.

    (Don’t blame me. Richard Thompson told this one in concert. Said it was fair because it insulted everyone equally.)
    just for the record, I am not German :-)


    • Johann Sebastian Bach?
    • Ludwig van Beethoven?
    • Johannes Brahms?
    • Felix Mendelssohn?
    • George Frideric Handel?
    • Richard Wagner?
    • Robert Schumann?

  4. #128

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    He said he pressed last number redial. IT WAS YOU!

  5. #129

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    Quote Originally Posted by Gabor
    just for the record, I am not German :-)


    • Johann Sebastian Bach?
    • Ludwig van Beethoven?
    • Johannes Brahms?
    • Felix Mendelssohn?
    • George Frideric Handel?
    • Richard Wagner?
    • Robert Schumann?
    Says a lot about Richard Thompson‘s taste in music…

    SCNR


    Gesendet von iPhone mit Tapatalk

  6. #130

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    Quote Originally Posted by joelf
    A guy calls Schwartz; Schwartz; Schwartz & Schwartz:

    'Hello, this is Schwartz; Schwartz; Schwartz & Schwartz. How can I help you?'

    'May I speak to Mr. Schwartz?'

    'I'm sorry, sir. He's golfing'.

    'OK---may I have Mr. Schwartz?'

    'Sorry again. He called in sick'.

    'OK, OK---Mr. SCHWARTZ then!'

    'He's no longer with the firm, so sorry'.

    'MR. SCHWARTZ----PLLLEEAAASE!!'

    'SPEAKING!'...
    Courtesy of Mr. Henny 'I take my wife everywhere, but she finds her way back' Youngman...

  7. #131

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    Quote Originally Posted by joelf
    Courtesy of Mr. Henny 'I take my wife everywhere, but she finds her way back' Youngman...

    .. - - or - -

    : A man goes to his Doctor and says :
    ' Doc I have this terrible pain whenever I go to the bathroom..'
    The Doc says: ' Oh really ? '..' Well tell me - -when you urinate does it burn ? '
    The man says : " Gee I don't know - - I never tried to light it . '.....

    Same guy goes to the Doc, says the same thing - ' Doc it hurts whenever I have to pee - -
    The Doc says ' Oh really ? 'Ok, go over to the window, take all your clothes off, and stick yer tongue out. '
    And the man says " But gee, Doc what's that going to do for my pain? '
    And the Doctor says : " Nothing, but I'm mad at the guy across the street . '

    Or

    Guy goes to the Doctor, and the Doc examines him and says : " I'm sorry, but you've only got six months to live . "
    And the guy couldn't pay the bill, so the Doc gave him another six months. "

    followed by HYs ' A bright and shining light -'

  8. #132

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    'My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So now I drink in front of the mirror'.

    'As a kid I asked my dad to teach me ice skating. "Could we wait til it's a little warmer?"'

    'The doctor asked for urine; stool; and semen samples. So I left him my underwear'.

    'My wife likes to talk during sex. Why, the other night she called me from the Holiday Inn'


    -----Rodney D.

  9. #133

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    The doctor says "you're going to have to stop masterbating". Patient says "why?" Doctor says "because I'm trying to examine you".

  10. #134

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    .......Or - - - -


    A guy gets up one morning goes out to get his paper like he always does and notices there's a gorilla in the tree outside his front door.
    He does a double-take & then finally convinces himself that he isn't seeing things.
    So, he goes back inside and his wife suggests he look in the phone book for any kind of animal removal service, and sure enough there's a listing : " Gorilla Removal - Safe and Efficient".
    So, he calls the guy and an hour later a little old man shows up with a pickup truck and he starts unloading the truck. He unloads a ladder, a baseball bat, a net, a dog, and a shotgun.
    Then the homeowner looks at him, all alone, and asks ' Can you get rid of that gorilla all by yourself ? ' Aren't you afraid ? "
    And the man says ' No - - I ain't afraid of him, I do this all the time. ' And here's how -
    " First I take the ladder, and put the ladder upside the tree and climb up with the baseball bat . ' ' Then I ruffle the branches to see which one the gorilla's on and hit him as hard as I can right between the eyes with the baseball bat, and he falls out of the tree. " Then, the dog comes and bites him as hard as he can in the { ' rhymes with ' halls' } , and I throw the net over him and then throw him in the truck .".....
    And the homeowner says ; " Wow - -maybe --but ok what's the shotgun for ?? "

    And the man says: " Oh - -well, sir that's where you come in - - if by some strange coincidence, I fall out of the tree - shoot that f***kin' dog ".

  11. #135

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    "When I told my friends I was going to be a comedian they just laughed . . . . . . well they're not laughing now"

    Jimmy Carr

  12. #136

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    .......or - - - The guy from Chicago joke....

    Two guys from Milwaukee ( ethnicity of your choice ), are having a beer one Friday after work.....And one says to the other -
    " So what are you doin' this weekend? "
    And the other guys says," I'm heading down to Chicago tomorrow to see my cousin. "
    So his buddy says " Well have a good time and I'll see you next week ".....
    So the next day, bright and early the other guy heads to Chicago, and gets there a little early so he stops at a neighborhood tavern for a beer......And he's shooting the bull with the locals and one guy says to him - -" You like riddles ??" .." I got a good one !! "
    And the guy from Milwaukee says ' Sure, I guess so, but I haven't heard any good ones for a while. "
    So the other guy says " You'll like this one - ok here goes. "
    " I'm going to describe someone in my family but I'm not going to tell you who it is - -you have to guess, ok ? " OK " says the other guy.
    " Ok - - there's four people in my family - but the one I'm describing - ain't my Dad, ain't my Mom and it ain't my kid brother - -who is it ?? "
    So the guy from Milwaukee says - -" Let's see -- not yer Dad not yer Ma, -- boy I don't know -who is it ?? "
    "And the guy says - -" It's me "....And the other guys says " man that's a good one, I gotta remember that and tell that to a buddy of mine ."
    So the next week he's back in Milwaukee and having a beer with his buddy after work who asks him " So - how was Chicago ? "
    And the other guys says " It was ok, and man have I got a good riddle for you, and you'll never figure it out !! " And his buddy says " Let's hear it - -I bet I can guess it ".
    So his buddy says," I bet you don't, but here it is anyway:
    " I'm going to describe someone in my family and you have to guess who it is, ok ?" .." Ok " says the other guy .
    " OK - - -there's four people in my family - - but you have to guess - -it ain't my Dad, it ain't my Mom and it ain't my kid brother - -who is it ?? "
    And his buddy says " Hmm - let's see - - there's four people - but it ain't yer Dad, it ain't yer Ma, and it ain't yer kid brother - - why, it's You !! "

    And the other guy says, " No ya dummy, it's this guy I met in Chicago. ".....

  13. #137

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    Quote Originally Posted by thelostboss
    "When I told my friends I was going to be a comedian they just laughed . . . . . . well they're not laughing now"
    Quote Originally Posted by thelostboss

    Jimmy Carr
    That's one of the funniest jokes I've ever heard! Lol! Both parts of the joke are either positive or negative depending on the interpretation. Pretty silly.

  14. #138

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    From the great Myron Cohen:

    A (Jewish, naturally) man is on a plane. He spots a fabulous diamond on a (Jewish, naturally) woman's finger and is overcome by curiosity.

    'Excuse me, lady---I don't want you should think I'm a "fresh guy", I came up because I saw your amazing diamond and wanted to know about it'.

    'So you want to know about my diamond? This happens to be the Klopman Diamond---world famous. The Smithsonian wants it after I die. It's one of a kind.'

    That's amazing!'

    'Amazing, huh? Maybe, but I'll have you know it comes with a curse!'

    'A CURSE? That's terrible! WHAT curse?'

    'MR. Klopman'...

  15. #139

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    Quote Originally Posted by thelostboss
    "When I told my friends I was going to be a comedian they just laughed . . . . . . well they're not laughing now"

    Jimmy Carr
    Bob Monkhouse

  16. #140

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    OMG Dennis D, I read the gorilla joke 10 minutes ago and I still got tears in my eyes.

  17. #141

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    Quote Originally Posted by Peter C
    OMG Dennis D, I read the gorilla joke 10 minutes ago and I still got tears in my eyes.
    Thanks Peter..

    That was from my drinking days of stopping after work for one and before you know it, the ten o'clock news was on the bar tv.......

    The 'guy from Chicago' one I included was the other one that got told a lot.....I'd see one of the guys a few times a year who'd hang out with us for an evening. ..Each time, he'd eventually get around to asking me to tell that and it'd still crack him up every time like he'd never heard it before.....I had no idea why.....

    It got to be that we'd take turns telling-repeating them.....And if we'd been there long enough that evening - - which we usually were - - they'd always get a laugh.....

    Of course I've only got a dozen others - - - : )

    Dennis

  18. #142

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    Quote Originally Posted by garybaldy
    Bob Monkhouse
    You could well be correct there . . . . I will defer to your superior age and experience of Bob Monkhouse

  19. #143

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    I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers.

    Bob Monkhouse

  20. #144

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    A guy doesnt feel well, so he goes and sees a doctor .After a thourogh exam the doc tells him " Im sorry to tell you you only have 2 months to live.

    The guy tells the doctor thank you, by the way I forgot to tell you I don't have enough $$ to pay you.
    The doctor says in that case you've got 6 months to live!

  21. #145

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    Doctor enters the room with a handful of x-rays. "I'm sorry, sir but these dark spots indicate that you have a terminal cancer".

    The patient is stunned and says, "Do you mind if I get a second opinion?".

    "Ok", replies the doctor. "...Gallstones?".

  22. #146

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    I tried to donate blood the other day but they just asked too many questions... Like: "Whose blood is this?" and "What's it doing in a bucket?"


    A guy picks up a hitch-hiker and the guy hops in and says, "thanks for picking me up, how did you know I'm not serial killer?" The driver replies, "well...I was just thinking 'what are the odds of have two serial killers in the same car?'"

    Finally... Puns make me numb. Math puns make me number...

  23. #147

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    Puns make me numb. Math puns make me number
    groans :-)

  24. #148

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    A father is buying bass lessons for his son. After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson we learned about the E string." The 2nd week came and after the lesson the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On the 2nd lesson I learned about the A string." The 3rd week came by and the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons, what have you learned this week?" The son said, "I quit the lessons, I already got a gig."

  25. #149

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    Prince Aristide and countess Anastasie traveling in her carriage. As they were going along one of the horses let off a huge fart. Oh I am very sorry for that says countess Anastasie a bit embarrassed. Oh, never mind replies Aristide, I thought it was the horse.

  26. #150

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    That was quite prim of you! Most versions feature the Queen of England and some hapless dignitary :-)