Reply to Thread Bookmark Thread
Page 3 of 3 FirstFirst 123
Posts 101 to 119 of 119
  1. #101
    HOW DO YOU GET A GUITAR PLAYER TO TURN DOWN? PUT A CHART IN FRONT OF HIM!

  2.  

    The Jazz Guitar Chord Dictionary
     
  3. #102

    User Info Menu

    Difference between a jazz guitarist and a pop guitarist. One plays 1000s of chords for an audience of 3, the other plays 3 chords in front of an audience of 1000s. This is an exaggeration: pop songs have a max of 2 chords nowadays.


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

  4. #103

    User Info Menu

    Quote Originally Posted by joelf
    An oldie:

    Teen goes to confession.

    'Bless me, Father, for I have sinned'.

    'Oh, my son! What did you do?'

    'Well, I, uh, masturbated'.

    'My son, don't you know that can make you go blind?!'

    'Well, um,---Father, can I just do it til I need glasses?'...
    Guy goes to the doctor for a physical examination.

    "You'll have to stop masturbating".

    "Why is that, Doc'?

    "Because I'm trying to give you a physical examination".

  5. #104

    User Info Menu

    An Irishman who moves to the US, enters a bar and orders three beers. He quietly drinks them all and leaves. This becomes a daily occurrence. The bartender finally asks:

    "Do you mind if I ask why you always order th
    ree beers for yourself in a single sitting"?

    "Well", he answers, "my brothers and I used to have a daily beer back in Ireland. Now that I've moved here on my own, I've decided to carry on the tradition and buy two extras for each of my brothers".

    This ritual goes on for some months until one day, the man enters the bar and orders only two beers. The place becomes silent and the bartender says:

    "I'm sorry for your loss" to which the man replies:

    "Oh no, both my brothers are fine, I just decided to quit drinking".






    Edit or delete this

  6. #105

    User Info Menu

    Quote Originally Posted by PMB
    Guy goes to the doctor for a physical examination.

    "You'll have to stop masturbating".

    "Why is that, Doc'?

    "Because I'm trying to give you a physical examination".
    This might be the time to tell you the story I heard of the guy who used to go into the Grady ER for his monthly prostate massage. He was always assigned to the medical student.

    Or maybe not. I’m sure you can guess what happened in the end.

  7. #106

    User Info Menu

    Joke thread-gd10-jpg

  8. #107

    User Info Menu

    Maybe I posted this elsewhere already? WTH it's a good-un.

    A man dies and goes up to the Pearly Gates, where he meets St. Peter.

    St. Peter says, "I'd be glad to let you into heaven, but first I'd like you to tell me about some of the good you've done on earth.

    The man says, "Well, once I picked up a nun who had fallen. And I lent my brother-in-law money and never asked him to pay me back.

    "But the best thing I did was to defend a young woman. I walked into a bar and saw a group of bikers harassing an innocent-looking young lady. I went up to the biggest, ugliest biker of them all and said 'Leave her alone.'

    "He said, 'What did you say?'

    "I said 'Leave her alone,' and smacked him in the jaw for emphasis. I then ripped the nose ring out of his hairy nose, kicked him in the groin, and told him to get out and never come back."

    St. Peter said, "Wow, that was impressive, and took a lot of guts. When did you do this?"

    "About 15 minutes ago."
    Last edited by Doctor Jeff; 03-03-2021 at 05:28 PM.

  9. #108

    User Info Menu

    Quote Originally Posted by Doctor Jeff
    Maybe I posted this elsewhere already? WTH it's a good-un.

    A man dies and goes up to the Pearly Gates, where he meets St. Peter.

    St. Peter says, "I'd be glad to let you into heaven, but first I'd like you to tell me about some of the good you've done on earth.

    The man says, "Well, once I picked up a nun who had fallen. And I lent my brother-in-law money and never asked him to pay me back.

    "But the best thing I did was to defend a young woman. I walked into a bar and saw a group of bikers harassing an innocent-looking young lady. I went up to the biggest, ugliest biker of them all and said 'Leave her alone.'"

    "He said, 'What did you say?'"

    "I said leave her alone, and smacked him in the jaw for emphasis. I then ripped the nose ring out of his hairy nose, kicked him in the groin, and told him to get out and never come back."

    St. Peter said, "Wow, that was impressive and took a lot of guts. When did you do this?"

    "About 15 minutes ago."
    Now that's a good one if I ever heard one!!!!

  10. #109

    User Info Menu

    Student: "I'm playing some classical guitar pieces by Giuliani and Sor. Would it work to hook up a reverb pedal to my nylon-string guitar?"

    Teacher: "Son, if it ain't Baroque, don't FX it."

  11. #110

    User Info Menu

    A few more musical jokes:

    If 2020 were a key signature:

    Joke thread-staff-png

    And of course this one, also relevant:

    Joke thread-times-jpg

  12. #111

    User Info Menu

    I started writing a song about the art of songwriting, but I had to give it up, cause I couldn't find the notes.

  13. #112

    User Info Menu

    On the difference between heaven and hell:

    In heaven, a proper English butler greets you at the gate.
    The Germans are in charge of the administration. Everything is handled most efficiently.
    The French are in charge of the cuisine. Gourmet!
    The Italians are in charge of the music. Magnifico!

    In hell, a rude French butler greets you at the gate.
    The Italians are in charge of the administration.
    The English are in charge of the cuisine.
    And the Germans are in charge of the music.

    (Don’t blame me. Richard Thompson told this one in concert. Said it was fair because it insulted everyone equally.)

  14. #113

    User Info Menu

    Courtesy of Agatha Christie -

    What do you think of English cuisine, Poirot?
    The English don't have cuisine, Hastings, they have food.

  15. #114

    User Info Menu

    Quote Originally Posted by ragman1
    Courtesy of Agatha Christie -

    What do you think of English cuisine, Poirot?
    The English don't have cuisine, Hastings, they have food.
    Overheard many times when the subject of American beer came up in Germany--PRE craft beer days, back when there was only Bud, Miller and Coors...

    "Das ist kein Bier, das ist ein Krankheit!"

  16. #115

    User Info Menu

    Quote Originally Posted by Doctor Jeff
    Overheard many times when the subject of American beer came up in Germany--PRE craft beer days, back when there was only Bud, Miller and Coors...

    "Das ist kein Bier, das ist ein Krankheit!"
    Monty Python:

    "American beer is like making love in a canoe"

    "What's that mean?"

    "It's f***ing close to water!"

  17. #116
    How do you get a guitar player to turn down? Put a chart in front of him.

  18. #117

    User Info Menu

    Quote Originally Posted by steve burchfield
    How do you get a guitar player to turn down? Put a chart in front of him.
    so nice he posted it twice

  19. #118

    User Info Menu

    The difference between A Banjo Player and an incoming Mortar?


    The mortar gives you a warning!

  20. #119

    User Info Menu

    A priest, a Baptist minister and a rabbit walk into a bar.

    The bartender looks at the rabbit and says, we don't serve your typo here.