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  1. #26

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    Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands.
    They're now known as The Islands.

  2.  

    The Jazz Guitar Chord Dictionary
     
  3. #27

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    Joke thread-skip-jpg

  4. #28

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    How does a drummer count 7/8 time?

    One - Two - Three - Four - Five - Six - Se - ven

    ~

    There are 3 different kinds of people in this world, those who can count and those that can't.

    ~

    As a musician, if someone you know farts and it's loud enough that nobody can pretend it didn't happen, look up in a concentrating way like you are in deep thought for a moment, then say "That was G sharp" (or whatever note you want to pretend it was). I got some good laughs from this.

  5. #29

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    Quote Originally Posted by Arpeggio
    There are 3 different kinds of people in this world, those who can count and those that can't
    Great one, reminds me to:

    There are two different kinds of people, those who are boxing people into two groups, and those who are not.

  6. #30

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    Joke thread-silent-night-jpg
    Attached Images Attached Images Joke thread-silent-night-png 

  7. #31

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    I once recorded a version of Silent Night and, just at the end, you could hear some people having an argument outside in the street :-)

  8. #32

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    Quote Originally Posted by Arpeggio
    There are 3 different kinds of people in this world, those who can count and those that can't.
    90% of the world population is illiterate, the other half can't do math

  9. #33

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    Quote Originally Posted by arielcee
    90% of the world population is illiterate, the other half can't do math
    that must mean that 140% of the population cant read or count!! dreadful! hahaha



    cheers

  10. #34

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    Quote Originally Posted by neatomic
    that must mean that 140% of the population cant read or count!! dreadful! hahaha



    cheers
    That leaves 10% who can do both....

  11. #35

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    I've run out of guitar reeds
    Joke thread-82302091_10157938565043987_3211437602309668864_n-jpg

  12. #36

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    If you see any trombone players tonight, wish them a good gig.

  13. #37

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    Quote Originally Posted by arielcee
    If you see any trombone players tonight, wish them a good gig.

    Ok, the same 2 trombone players continued - -

    They get hired for a New Years' Eve gig, and end up playing their hearts out and the crowd loves them...the place stays packed all night and the owner is floored.....
    So it gets to be closing time, the bar finally gets all the people out and the two trombone players are packing up..The owner spots them and says : " Man, we've never had a New Years like this one - ever ! " .." Could we have you guys back next New Years' Eve too ?? " .....
    And they both say : " Sure - -oh - - - but could we just ask you something? "...And the owner says ' Sure - -what ? "

    And the one trombone player says: " Is it ok if we leave our stuff ?? "

  14. #38

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    Q: What's the difference between a tuba and a vacumn cleaner?
    A: You have to turn one of them on before it sucks.

  15. #39

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    Quote Originally Posted by Arpeggio
    As a musician, if someone you know farts and it's loud enough that nobody can pretend it didn't happen, look up in a concentrating way like you are in deep thought for a moment, then say "That was G sharp" (or whatever note you want to pretend it was). I got some good laughs from this.
    An artist of the first water...


  16. #40

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    Quote Originally Posted by arielcee
    If you see any trombone players tonight, wish them a good gig.
    Tailgating brought up to date...


  17. #41

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    Joke thread-one-dollar-groceries-jpg

  18. #42

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    Jimi Hendrix was having problems with his gall bladder. Very painful but he got an ultrasound and recovered and later wrote a song about it.
    Last edited by arielcee; 02-14-2020 at 07:12 AM.

  19. #43

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    Joke thread-great-piano-sucks-organ-30298452-png

  20. #44

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    - How to stop the pianist?
    - Remove the score
    - And how to stop the guitarist?
    - Put him a score

  21. #45

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    How to play really "modern" jazz?

    this is a true story. I went from guitar to double bass, and my drummer friend on piano. We were working as a duo. One moment we choose a tune, 1 2 3 4, let's go

    it took half a chorus for us to realize that one was playing the 12 bar blues and the other Autumn Leaves

    I still don't know who was wrong, but it didn't matter, in reality, it was both. I unplugged my amp, I put away my guitar, and I left. I stopped music several years ago, I was too ashamed

  22. #46

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    You want an anecdote? Young girl pesters guitarist acquaintance to take her to a live performance. Guitarist says stay in the wings where I can see you; you'll be in charge of wiping strings. On the night he makes first instruments change, slips all over the neck. Looks stage right; girl beaming, thumbs up, with a can of furniture cleaning spray. The End.

  23. #47

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    So there once was this un-pretentious jazz guitarist....

  24. #48

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    Quote Originally Posted by Zina
    in charge of wiping strings [...] can of furniture cleaning spray. The End.
    but you know that beeswax is excellent for acoustics. It's one of the things that works best, with the teflon in an atomic bomb (Bing translation for "atomiseur"), much better than very expensive gadgets that are audiophile deceptions

    on the guitar body, it can work well too, acoustic or electric, it removes some magnetic effects. I'll let the specialists confirm or not

    on the other hand, I have not tried on the strings, although the beeswax, a little greasy, glides very well. The downside is that it's dirty when it dries. For the fingers tip, I prefer sweet almond oil or shea butter. For varnishes, watch out for the violin-type varnish "with a stamp" called "french finish". Maintenance is not done with the same products as the usual varnishes for Archtop

  25. #49

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    Then there was the band leader who called his daughters Anna one, Anna two, Anna three, Anna four...

  26. #50

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    Dumb Vegas guitar player, with eyes to sit in, to Joe Puma: 'Hey, Joe, can I play?'

    'Are you asking my permission or my opinion?'