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  1. #51

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    Joke thread-press-any-key-jpg

  2.  

    The Jazz Guitar Chord Dictionary
     
  3. #52

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    Quote Originally Posted by joelf
    Dumb Vegas guitar player, with eyes to sit in, to Joe Puma: 'Hey, Joe, can I play?'

    'Are you asking my permission or my opinion?'
    Where did he lose money gambling later on?
    The Stratosphere.

  4. #53

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    A group of nuns is making a name for themselves as a string quartet..
    One guy in the audience say's to another, does the Pope know about this?

  5. #54

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    Maitre' de to Joe Puma, waiting a long time to get a table at a restaurant: 'I'm so sorry, sir. It'll be at least another hour'.

    'That's alright. I'll get a bite and come back'...

  6. #55

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    Quote Originally Posted by Ukena
    In answer to what I think was your question, in Paris, Les Halles is pronounced “lay all” – not “lezzall” as you might expect, so he’s probably right.
    Thanks. I was in Paris too but obviously I never heard it. Strange it should be what amounts to a glottal stop - but most languages have their peculiarities.

    You're absolutely right, by the way. I found this. Lay Halles at 0.59:


  7. #56

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    (Made this one up):

    Why is it better to be a Shakespearian actor than a jazz guitarist?

    A Shakespearian actor gets to work when they do Hamlet once a year...

  8. #57

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    Here is one with one of my fav standards in the end

    The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked,“You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket.Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”“Why?”“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.

  9. #58

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    Jim Hall to Zoot Sims: 'Nice tie, Zoot'.

    Zoot looking down at tie, then looking up and shrugging:

    'I woke up like this'...

  10. #59

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    Q: What is a gentleman?
    A: Somebody who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't.

  11. #60

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    Joke thread-closed-geneva-convention-jpg

  12. #61

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    Willard Hunnicutt IV #1 OP

    Hi,

    Is $85k too dear for an 1812 Blobson 2000?

    ...

    Bodeen Van Bubbleski #2

    I love my original 1812 Blobbies that were really expensive, and store them in a climate-controlled bunker together with my yacht.

    ...

    Zorro Woof-Pennyless #3

    Stay away from these terrorboxes! They are made by unwashed 3y-olds in Uzbekistan!

    ...

    Rollo Dumdumdumbomov #4

    Yeah, you should get a Super-Tone Flintstone. Get with the times!

    ...

    Willard Hunnicutt IV #5 OP

    OK, but what about my question?

    ...

    Yolandah Lumpenstein #6

    Say, I'm a 3y-old who dislikes personal hygiene, and I will have you know that...

    ...

    [THREAD CLOSED AND POSTS DELETED FOR DERAILMENT]

  13. #62

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    Difference between a Bull and funk band.

    Horns in front a$$#ole in the back.

  14. #63

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    Quote Originally Posted by arielcee
    Difference between a Bull and funk band.

    Horns in front a$$#ole in the back.
    Heard that one, with Lawrence Welk 'subbing' for the funk band...

  15. #64

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    Diatonics anonymous has a 12 tone program.

  16. #65

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    "After brain surgery famous guitarist Eric joins Emerson, Lake & Clapton"

  17. #66

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    Jim Hall to an over-eager guitarist.

    "Don't just play something, sit there".

  18. #67

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    Quote Originally Posted by arielcee
    Diatonics anonymous has a 12 tone program.
    That's like the guy, tired of listening to the 12-step rhapsodizing in their lingo of some zealot:

    'Oh, go take 12 steps off an 11 step peer'...

  19. #68

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    We need to revive this right now!

    2 cleanest jokes from The Aristocrats:

    Robin Williams: 'Rabbi walks into a bar with a frog on his shoulder.

    Bartender: "that's amazing! Where'd you get that?!"

    Frog: "Oh, they're all over Brooklyn"'...

    Chuck McCann: 'This family act gets to the theater with 2 suitcases.

    Manager: "What's in the 1st one?"

    Father: "Oh, it's hammers, piles, whips, you know---things we do terrible things to each other with".

    Manager: "OK, so what's in the 2nd?"

    Father: "Tylenol"'...

  20. #69

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    OK: So this guy---nothing wrong with him, really---can't get anywhere with women. He finally can't take loneliness anymore, so he decides to act: a complete makeover. Hair plugs, wardrobe, liposuction, face, nose.

    His luck changes immediately, and he meets someone. Out the door to his first date, he's hit by a bus---killed dead.

    Gets to heaven.

    'Um, God, why now, of all times, just when things are turning around?'

    'Lenny?! I didn't recognize you!'...

  21. #70

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    Before the coronavirus scare, people would cough to hide a fart.

    Now it is just the opposite.

  22. #71

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    An infectious disease walks into a bar and the bartender says, "We don't serve infectious diseases here." And the infectious disease says, "Well you're not a very good host."

  23. #72

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    This Italian guy Mario goes to his doctor...

    Doktorrr I havea too many banbino, righta now, 10 anda my wifea she geta prega every time we do it... I needa help.

    The doctor gave him a box of condoms and said, put one of these on your organ before sex and no more children

    Two months later Mario goes to the doc...

    Doktorrr, I'ma gonna Fk'in killa you, my wifea she prega AGAIN!!!

    The doctor asked, did you put the condoms on your organ???

    Mario said... "I donta have an organ, I puta them ona my piano :-)

  24. #73

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    Joke thread-notejoke-jpg

    Danny W.

  25. #74

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    Quote Originally Posted by GNAPPI
    This Italian guy Mario goes to his doctor...
    Doktorrr I havea too many banbino, righta now, 10 anda my wifea she geta prega every time we do it... I needa help.


    Doktorrr, I'ma gonna Fk'in killa you, my wifea she prega AGAIN!!!
    Google isn't translating this, does anyone here speak Italian?

  26. #75

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    Variations on a theme of an earlier post.......



  27. #76

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    An oldie:

    Teen goes to confession.

    'Bless me, Father, for I have sinned'.

    'Oh, my son! What did you do?'

    'Well, I, uh, masturbated'.

    'My son, don't you know that can make you go blind?!'

    'Well, um,---Father, can I just do it til I need glasses?'...

  28. #77

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    You know, being a jazz musician you are going to play for the door , be around people who do drugs, slimy pimps and sleaze , lots of drunk people , leaders who rip you off , club owners who rip you off , record companies who will rip you off , late hours 10 to 4 six nights a week , six sets a night , relationships that get strained and are hard to keep together ....

    there are going to be some bad nights too ...vada boom

  29. #78

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    Joke thread-92582224_3030281660348640_5157289075681525760_n-jpg

  30. #79

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    Joke thread-pastor-muppets-29908739-png

  31. #80

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    St. Francis worked in a donut shop.
    He was a deep friar.

  32. #81

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    Joke thread-keef-jpg

  33. #82

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    Quote Originally Posted by GNAPPI
    This Italian guy Mario goes to his doctor...

    Doktorrr I havea too many banbino, righta now, 10 anda my wifea she geta prega every time we do it... I needa help.

    The doctor gave him a box of condoms and said, put one of these on your organ before sex and no more children

    Two months later Mario goes to the doc...

    Doktorrr, I'ma gonna Fk'in killa you, my wifea she prega AGAIN!!!

    The doctor asked, did you put the condoms on your organ???

    Mario said... "I donta have an organ, I puta them ona my piano :-)

    What's worse then a lobster on your piano?

    Crabs on your organ.

  34. #83

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    Quote Originally Posted by Tom Karol
    Joke thread-keef-jpg
    Love it! ('cause to me that SOB is so easy to dislike. But I gotta admit: someone 'up there' likes him. Forget 9---MF has at least 9,000...

  35. #84

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  36. #85

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    Good one!

  37. #86

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    What do you call a cow with no legs?

    Ground beef.

  38. #87

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    Joke thread-20200618_171249-jpg

  39. #88

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    My friend wanted us to dress up as joints for Halloween.
    I had to be blunt with him.

  40. #89

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    Quote Originally Posted by joelf
    Love it! ('cause to me that SOB is so easy to dislike. But I gotta admit: someone 'up there' likes him. Forget 9---MF has at least 9,000...
    I read that Mick and he were taking blood transfusions as far back as the 1970s. Just sayin'

  41. #90
    My jazz combo has a gig at the American Dentists' Society Convention next month. Here's the set list:
    Radiology
    Swollen Moments
    Someday My Rinse Will Come
    Molar
    Straight, No Braces
    Nancy With the Laughing Gas
    If You Could See Me Now

  42. #91

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    Quote Originally Posted by corpse
    Google isn't translating this, does anyone here speak Italian?

    .........Sorry, but don't you know Sicilian when you hear it ??

  43. #92
    I took my kid to the playground the other day and started up a conversation with another parent while we watched our kids play. "Your kid reminds me of the trombone player in my band," the parent said. "He is unable to swing and doesn't know how to use a slide."

  44. #93

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    Why bicycles cannot stand on their own?

    Because they are two tired.

  45. #94

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    From Ian Mclagan's (Small Faces, Faces,...) joke page:

    A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana when he sees a sign in front of a broken down house ‘Talking Dog For Sale’. He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
    The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador sitting there.
    “You talk?” he says.
    “Yep” the dog replies.
    After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog speak, he says “So, what’s your story?”
    The Lab looks up and says, “Well. I discovered I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.”
    “I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.”
    “I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m retired.”
    The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
    “Ten dollars.” the guy says.
    “Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”
    “Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that shit.”

  46. #95

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    What's the difference between a classy Brit and a nude drunkard?
    One knows your teabags, the other one....

  47. #96

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    One bags your knowteas... no...

    One teas your bagknows... no...

    One... I give up. What is the difference between a classy Brit and a nude drunkard?

  48. #97

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    A man goes in to see his doctor.

    In a whisper he says, "Doctor, I feel like I'm turning into a pony."

    The doctor replies, "What?"

    He whispers again, "I think I'm a pony."

    The doctor says, "I'm sorry you're going to have to speak up."

    The man whispers in a strained voice, "I'm a pony."

    "Oh, I see your problem now. You're just a little hoarse."

  49. #98

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    Quote Originally Posted by ragman1
    One bags your knowteas... no...

    One teas your bagknows... no...

    One... I give up. What is the difference between a classy Brit and a nude drunkard?
    Ummm....try switching the positions of the words "teabags" and "knows" .

    Then change the spelling of "knows" to "nose"

    Then do your best to erase that image from your mind. Good luck!

  50. #99

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    One knows your teabags, the other one....
    try switching the positions of the words "teabags" and "knows" .

    Then change the spelling of "knows" to "nose"
    One teabags your nose... no.

    Don't get it, sorry to be boring. You better explain it. Unless it's got something to do with this:

    Urban Dictionary: teabag

    But I don't live in that world. And I still don't get the classy Brit and the drunk connection. It's all a mystery to me.

    We better leave it if it's going to get messy :-)

  51. #100
    This was a common Nashville joke when I lived there so dont hate me for it. WHY DO JAZZ MUSICIANS PLAY SO MANY NOTES? BECAUSE THEY DONT KNOW THE RIGHT ONES> Wa Wa Wa country singer talk NASHVILLE the place they have to run an ad MAN WANTED WHO DOES NOT PLAY GUITAR! We all know there are many great all styles players there some think too many!