Reply to Thread Bookmark Thread
Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 12
Posts 51 to 77 of 77
  1. #51

    User Info Menu

    Joke thread-press-any-key-jpg

  2.  

    The Jazz Guitar Chord Dictionary
     
  3. #52

    User Info Menu

    Quote Originally Posted by joelf
    Dumb Vegas guitar player, with eyes to sit in, to Joe Puma: 'Hey, Joe, can I play?'

    'Are you asking my permission or my opinion?'
    Where did he lose money gambling later on?
    The Stratosphere.

  4. #53

    User Info Menu

    A group of nuns is making a name for themselves as a string quartet..
    One guy in the audience say's to another, does the Pope know about this?

  5. #54

    User Info Menu

    Maitre' de to Joe Puma, waiting a long time to get a table at a restaurant: 'I'm so sorry, sir. It'll be at least another hour'.

    'That's alright. I'll get a bite and come back'...

  6. #55

    User Info Menu

    Quote Originally Posted by Ukena
    In answer to what I think was your question, in Paris, Les Halles is pronounced “lay all” – not “lezzall” as you might expect, so he’s probably right.
    Thanks. I was in Paris too but obviously I never heard it. Strange it should be what amounts to a glottal stop - but most languages have their peculiarities.

    You're absolutely right, by the way. I found this. Lay Halles at 0.59:


  7. #56

    User Info Menu

    (Made this one up):

    Why is it better to be a Shakespearian actor than a jazz guitarist?

    A Shakespearian actor gets to work when they do Hamlet once a year...

  8. #57

    User Info Menu

    Here is one with one of my fav standards in the end

    The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked,“You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket.Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”“Why?”“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.

  9. #58

    User Info Menu

    Jim Hall to Zoot Sims: 'Nice tie, Zoot'.

    Zoot looking down at tie, then looking up and shrugging:

    'I woke up like this'...

  10. #59

    User Info Menu

    Q: What is a gentleman?
    A: Somebody who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't.

  11. #60

    User Info Menu

    Joke thread-closed-geneva-convention-jpg

  12. #61

    User Info Menu

    Willard Hunnicutt IV #1 OP

    Hi,

    Is $85k too dear for an 1812 Blobson 2000?

    ...

    Bodeen Van Bubbleski #2

    I love my original 1812 Blobbies that were really expensive, and store them in a climate-controlled bunker together with my yacht.

    ...

    Zorro Woof-Pennyless #3

    Stay away from these terrorboxes! They are made by unwashed 3y-olds in Uzbekistan!

    ...

    Rollo Dumdumdumbomov #4

    Yeah, you should get a Super-Tone Flintstone. Get with the times!

    ...

    Willard Hunnicutt IV #5 OP

    OK, but what about my question?

    ...

    Yolandah Lumpenstein #6

    Say, I'm a 3y-old who dislikes personal hygiene, and I will have you know that...

    ...

    [THREAD CLOSED AND POSTS DELETED FOR DERAILMENT]

  13. #62

    User Info Menu

    Difference between a Bull and funk band.

    Horns in front a$$#ole in the back.

  14. #63

    User Info Menu

    Quote Originally Posted by arielcee
    Difference between a Bull and funk band.

    Horns in front a$$#ole in the back.
    Heard that one, with Lawrence Welk 'subbing' for the funk band...

  15. #64

    User Info Menu

    Diatonics anonymous has a 12 tone program.

  16. #65

    User Info Menu

    "After brain surgery famous guitarist Eric joins Emerson, Lake & Clapton"

  17. #66

    User Info Menu

    Jim Hall to an over-eager guitarist.

    "Don't just play something, sit there".

  18. #67

    User Info Menu

    Quote Originally Posted by arielcee
    Diatonics anonymous has a 12 tone program.
    That's like the guy, tired of listening to the 12-step rhapsodizing in their lingo of some zealot:

    'Oh, go take 12 steps off an 11 step peer'...

  19. #68

    User Info Menu

    We need to revive this right now!

    2 cleanest jokes from The Aristocrats:

    Robin Williams: 'Rabbi walks into a bar with a frog on his shoulder.

    Bartender: "that's amazing! Where'd you get that?!"

    Frog: "Oh, they're all over Brooklyn"'...

    Chuck McCann: 'This family act gets to the theater with 2 suitcases.

    Manager: "What's in the 1st one?"

    Father: "Oh, it's hammers, piles, whips, you know---things we do terrible things to each other with".

    Manager: "OK, so what's in the 2nd?"

    Father: "Tylenol"'...

  20. #69

    User Info Menu

    OK: So this guy---nothing wrong with him, really---can't get anywhere with women. He finally can't take loneliness anymore, so he decides to act: a complete makeover. Hair plugs, wardrobe, liposuction, face, nose.

    His luck changes immediately, and he meets someone. Out the door to his first date, he's hit by a bus---killed dead.

    Gets to heaven.

    'Um, God, why now, of all times, just when things are turning around?'

    'Lenny?! I didn't recognize you!'...

  21. #70

    User Info Menu

    Before the coronavirus scare, people would cough to hide a fart.

    Now it is just the opposite.

  22. #71

    User Info Menu

    An infectious disease walks into a bar and the bartender says, "We don't serve infectious diseases here." And the infectious disease says, "Well you're not a very good host."

  23. #72

    User Info Menu

    This Italian guy Mario goes to his doctor...

    Doktorrr I havea too many banbino, righta now, 10 anda my wifea she geta prega every time we do it... I needa help.

    The doctor gave him a box of condoms and said, put one of these on your organ before sex and no more children

    Two months later Mario goes to the doc...

    Doktorrr, I'ma gonna Fk'in killa you, my wifea she prega AGAIN!!!

    The doctor asked, did you put the condoms on your organ???

    Mario said... "I donta have an organ, I puta them ona my piano :-)

  24. #73

    User Info Menu

    Joke thread-notejoke-jpg

    Danny W.

  25. #74

    User Info Menu

    Quote Originally Posted by GNAPPI
    This Italian guy Mario goes to his doctor...
    Doktorrr I havea too many banbino, righta now, 10 anda my wifea she geta prega every time we do it... I needa help.


    Doktorrr, I'ma gonna Fk'in killa you, my wifea she prega AGAIN!!!
    Google isn't translating this, does anyone here speak Italian?

  26. #75

    User Info Menu

    Variations on a theme of an earlier post.......



  27. #76

    User Info Menu

    An oldie:

    Teen goes to confession.

    'Bless me, Father, for I have sinned'.

    'Oh, my son! What did you do?'

    'Well, I, uh, masturbated'.

    'My son, don't you know that can make you go blind?!'

    'Well, um,---Father, can I just do it til I need glasses?'...

  28. #77

    User Info Menu

    You know, being a jazz musician you are going to play for the door , be around people who do drugs, slimy pimps and sleaze , lots of drunk people , leaders who rip you off , club owners who rip you off , record companies who will rip you off , late hours 10 to 4 six nights a week , six sets a night , relationships that get strained and are hard to keep together ....

    there are going to be some bad nights too ...vada boom