The Jazz Guitar Chord Dictionary
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  1. #51

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    I've never been in a band (fortunately for the ears of the rest of the world) however, years ago I was working on a psych ward in what one might determine as one of the last true asylums. Beautiful place full of truly beautiful people, and then there was the staff too....
    Anyhoo, there was this guy, long termer (frazzled his mind on reality altering substances), was the greatest guitar player I have ever heard, he could play anything in any style and make stuff up on the fly like I have never seen or heard before or since. A lot of his stuff is on the web, he is/was (can't say, sorry) absolutely phenomenal.
    So I was trying badly to play bass, in my early days I figured it'd be easier than guitar. So I took my bass and amp to the ward, (I used to hang out in the inmates (patients) smoking room with them, I hated being with the staff, they were madder than bugs on a hotplate) I had been chatting with this dude and he said he would show me some moves.
    He began with a couple of patterns and said go away and practice that. one was The chain by fleetwood mac. he said it's easy but sounds cool.
    So one Fri night I was on the ward and he told me to play this pattern, he showed me the notes and told me to keep cycling it over and over, only 4 notes but it felt really fast, especially for my one finger plucking style.
    He started playing some random stuff along with me that sounded cool. Then this other guy who always unnerved me came in with a keyboard and asked if he could join in. I said sure so he plugged his mains adaptor in and joined us.
    There started to gather a few more people poking their heads in, sparking up some fags ( cigarettes ) and bopping away. Keyboard guy was pretty good too, I was feeling a bit euphoric from how good we sounded even though I was only thumping away on 4 notes and getting the odd glare from guitar guy when I got it wrong.
    Some of the women turned up from the females ward, one with an acoustic who joined us too.
    Then came in one of the nurses, a hippy looking dude, he'd borrowed somebodies acoustic from another ward and asked to join.
    So there we were just noodling away with a bit of a crowd, all cramped up in this tiny room full of smoke so thick it was like the misty moors on American Werewolf in London.
    All of a sudden guitar guy says "I think you got it now" and starts playing a tune I kinda recognised but couldn't quite make out. All the others started following him while I kept bumping away at my 4 notes.
    Then it dawned on me, we were playing " With or Without You" by U2.
    all the skin on the back of my head went tingly and I felt giddy like a toddler on lemonade.
    He held that tune for 15-20 mins and performed the wildest solo in the universe. When we stopped the whole ward was silent, it was so very freaky, psych wards are generally not silent places, even at night.
    We all stopped still and looked at each other, guitar guy starts to play Patsy Cline "Crazy" and the ward erupted into laughter.
    I felt way too giddy to do any more, my finger was sore and my hand ached like a broken heart.
    Following night I was not working. Some s**tty bank nurses had pissed off the guys on the ward, there was a riot, armed cops turned up as keyboard guy took some staff hostage and totally trashed whatever he got his hands on.
    Nobody got seriously hurt, probably more pride was damaged than people fortunately, but we never did play again. That was the closest I ever got to be in a band and it was friggin awesome!

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    The Jazz Guitar Chord Dictionary
     
  3. #52

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    Quote Originally Posted by raymoan
    "Bad Gigs," by Tuck Andress (Used to be on the Tuck and Patti website but isn't anymore. Punctuation unchanged from original.)

    Borrowed guitar, different string spacing, bridge or nut sliding during string bending or vibrato, wrong strap length or strap breaking during solo, unwound guitar string used as backup strap gradually cutting through shirt and shoulder, sleeve snagging on bridge suddenly locking up hand, wrong pick, dropped pick, broken pick, no pick, pick stuck between strings, finger caught between strings, wrong strings, dead strings, sticky strings, blood on strings, broken strings, no extra strings, jar of honey spilled all over strings, vintage L-5's gig bag shoulder strap breaking immediately before album release concert for 5,000 people causing guitar to fall on concrete and creating crack from tailpiece to neck which gradually splits apart during performance with action getting higher and higher, amp too far away, amp too close, amp broken so play through bass amp or P.A., tone all wrong, overdrive bypass switch broken, cymbal in ear, band too loud, audience too loud, band downstairs too loud, bad monitors, no monitors, in-ear monitors broken so Patti is heard acoustically but Tuck is heard only through house PA 50 yards away resulting in Tuck being unavoidably out of sync with Patti by 1/6 second for whole show, guitar buzz, RF from nearby transmitter louder than the music itself, brownouts making organ pitch fluctuate randomly over an octave range, power outage, equipment plugged into 230 volts immediately before show, earthquake during show in high-rise, outdoor desert performance at 131 degrees with sand-blasting winds, sub-freezing outdoor mountaintop performance with snow storms and 40 mph winds, high altitude dizziness, no sleep, no food, too much food, wrong food, food poisoning, fever, locked bathrooms, way too many liquids before long show, nagging suspicion that zipper is down, contact lens falling out during moment of peak concentration, compromised hand position due to repeatedly sliding full width of stage while trying to keep playing but not collide with Patti on yacht in rough Finnish Gulf of Bothnia, charts blown away by wind, charts on thermal fax paper, charts in wrong key, charts without bar lines, charts with bar lines all displaced by two beats, charts in bass clef or C clef, chord charts with do/re/mi instead of C/D/E and everything else in Portuguese, realization that Miles Davis, Dizzy Gillespie, Joe Pass, George Benson, Chaka Khan, Bobby McFerrin or Steve Gadd just walked in, drunks falling on stage, drunks disrobing on stage, drunks grabbing instruments or band members, band members falling asleep during song, pigs frolicking in sawdust-covered frat house knocking over band equipment, thinly veiled animosity between bride's and groom's families erupting into violence during heartfelt version of My Romance, nightly juggling of playing and operating the lighting console/footswitches and talking to audience members and trying to reign in tempos and egos of various fellow top-40 band members, arrival at duo gig with unbelievably loud, aggressive fuzz-wah hard rock bass player to discover that assignment is to back up elderly white-haired and white-suited gentleman singing unfamiliar country songs to unforgiving patrons, crowded upscale happy hour dance floor unraveling into pandemonium as normal-looking customers all collapse to the floor and writhe around on each other while astonished saxophone-playing duo partner walks out leaving helpless solo guitarist playing The Hustle for 25 minutes, funk bass player imprisoned in lounge band insisting on popping strings throughout sensitive ballads, accidental imprisonment of Patti in wine cellar out of earshot during guitar instrumentals, onstage and on-instrument living creatures with varying numbers of legs, belligerent drunken bowling alley lounge customer demanding that funk band play Debussy's Clair de Lune while remainder of band looks expectantly at guitarist, drummer watching ball game on portable TV with headphones throughout performance, guest singer repeatedly changing keys at random moments, realization that the people who have just boldly picked up instruments and are unexpectedly sitting in are Herbie Hancock and Wah Wah Watson, guns drawn at rehearsals to settle disputes about form of song, marginally famous singer resorting to the dreaded "Do you know who I am" line, drummer and delusional would-be front man jumping off the drums in the middle of a song and mistakenly chanting "we don't need no drummer to keep that funky beat" to a dance floor packed with suddenly hostile former dancers, unstable band member deciding that it is his responsibility to educate the audience over the microphone, bass player playing random notes and rhythms because he is not a bass player at all but nonetheless booked the gig, drummer announcing that he killed somebody just before the show, swimming pool party turning into orgy with splashing on inexperienced solo electric guitarist sitting beside pool doing his first solo gig and fielding endless requests for the same song he had just played yet again, bride's and groom's special song evaporating from mortified solo musician's mind at the crucial moment, band member disappearing suddenly when his chair falls backwards off riser, unstable enormous man peaking on LSD brandishing artificial limb removed from his companion at audience and threatening band to "sing with this", mirrors on back wall of club causing introspective young guitarist to question meaning of his life at early stage in career.

    Was that during sound check?
    wonder how the gig went?.....

  4. #53

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    We played a gig at the Half and Half Show lounge on 41st and State in Chicago--just west of the Robert Taylor Housing Projects in the mid-70s: 2 guitars, bass, drums, saxophone, and trombone. During our intermissions(20 minutes), extravagantly dressed divas in gowns and quasi-lingerie would do a lip-sync act of popular Show Tunes to great applause from the crowd. When they finished, we would return for our next set. After two shows, there was an intermission before the final midnight show of the night. Some of the girls came to our table and began flirting and two of our band members were fooling around with them and making out. After our final set, one of the girls returned to the stage wearing a slinky, low-cut dress with spike heels and took the microphone:

    " Hello, ladies and gentleman" . . . she said in a sexy, demure voice . . "I want to personally thank each and every one of you for
    joining us in this beautiful night of music and entertainment at the Half and Half Show Lounge for your pleasure and entertainment." She paused briefly and looked around the room . . . tore the wig of her head and grabbed her crotch . . .
    " And . . .. Everything ain't what it seems to be, baby! Everything ain't what it seems to be!'" In reality, we were playing a transvestite show and didn't know it. And, as one might imagine . . . it became a source of many jokes for two of our bandmates for a long time.
    Marinero

  5. #54

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    Quote Originally Posted by Marinero
    We played a gig at the Half and Half Show lounge on 41st and State in Chicago--just west of the Robert Taylor Housing Projects in the mid-70s: 2 guitars, bass, drums, saxophone, and trombone. During our intermissions(20 minutes), extravagantly dressed divas in gowns and quasi-lingerie would do a lip-sync act of popular Show Tunes to great applause from the crowd. When they finished, we would return for our next set. After two shows, there was an intermission before the final midnight show of the night. Some of the girls came to our table and began flirting and two of our band members were fooling around with them and making out. After our final set, one of the girls returned to the stage wearing a slinky, low-cut dress with spike heels and took the microphone:

    " Hello, ladies and gentleman" . . . she said in a sexy, demure voice . . "I want to personally thank each and every one of you for
    joining us in this beautiful night of music and entertainment at the Half and Half Show Lounge for your pleasure and entertainment." She paused briefly and looked around the room . . . tore the wig of her head and grabbed her crotch . . .
    " And . . .. Everything ain't what it seems to be, baby! Everything ain't what it seems to be!'" In reality, we were playing a transvestite show and didn't know it. And, as one might imagine . . . it became a source of many jokes for two of our bandmates for a long time.
    Marinero
    admit it, you were one of the two

  6. #55

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    Quote Originally Posted by wintermoon
    admit it, you were one of the two
    Funny!
    Marinero