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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Location
    Hudson Valley NY. Grew up East of Cleveland but have liived here for 35 yrs now
    Posts
    64

    Duo partner chronically late

    I’ve played for 20 years with a mandolin player. He just plays mandolin, doesn’t do any vocal assistance. I sing everything and accompany myself on guitar. I’m doing probably 70% of the work. Thing is, he’s quite good taking the breaks. He’s weak on rhythm so I can’t do any breaks. If I stop playing the bottom drops out. Problem is...he regularly shows up right at start time and frequently as much as 10-20 min late. Never an apology, never a text or call saying I’m running late. I can’t take it any longer. I’m always punctual and ready to go at the start time. When we need a PA it’s me providing and setting that up. I hate lugging that stuff around. How do you deal with this behavior? Am I wrong to just feel done with this?

  2. #2
    I would have been done with that shit after the second time.

    Late for gigs? No gig. Period.
    Jeff Matz, Jazz Guitar:
    http://www.youtube.com/user/jeffreymatz

    "Of what use is a dream, if not a blueprint for courageous action?"

    --Adam West, as Batman, 1966.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Sep 2015
    Location
    So Cal USA
    Posts
    238
    Did you every mention that this was bugging you? I ask because maybe the guy is just clueless; E.g. that he has the fairly common misunderstanding that musical performances never should start on time and therefore in his mind being late is no big deal.

    If you have told him before, the next time he is late tell him he is out. If you haven't told him before, bring it up and tell him your expectations.

  4. #4
    20 years in?

    Sorry, I will never allow a gig partner to make me look bad, and late does that. It's inexcusable.

    Once or twice with a call, fine. Everything with no consideration, sorry, dudes an asshole.
    Jeff Matz, Jazz Guitar:
    http://www.youtube.com/user/jeffreymatz

    "Of what use is a dream, if not a blueprint for courageous action?"

    --Adam West, as Batman, 1966.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Sep 2015
    Location
    So Cal USA
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    238
    Quote Originally Posted by mr. beaumont View Post
    20 years in?

    Sorry, I will never allow a gig partner to make me look bad, and late does that. It's inexcusable.

    Once or twice with a call, fine. Everything with no consideration, sorry, dudes an asshole.
    I noticed that he had played with the guy for 20 years, which is why I wondered if he ever said anything. If he had said something over those 20 years, and was just ignored, over and over, yea, the dudes an asshole.

    But if the OP didn't say anything, then I'm putting it on the OP; one needs to stress what they expect from a partner and not just assume (like so many girlfriends do, way too often!).

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Location
    San Diego
    Posts
    5,041
    Quote Originally Posted by mwcarr View Post
    I can’t take it any longer.
    The answer to this situation is obvious to me. Replace him.
    B+
    Frank (aka fep)

  7. #7
    Join Date
    May 2010
    Location
    Mystic CT
    Posts
    1,502
    Yes, he's not a pro, so you don't need him. There are many fish in the sea. Find somebody who sings harmonies, plays 3 instruments, and shows up to help set up and stays to help break down. You life will improve immeasurably.

  8. #8
    Quote Originally Posted by jameslovestal View Post
    I noticed that he had played with the guy for 20 years, which is why I wondered if he ever said anything. If he had said something over those 20 years, and was just ignored, over and over, yea, the dudes an asshole.

    But if the OP didn't say anything, then I'm putting it on the OP; one needs to stress what they expect from a partner and not just assume (like so many girlfriends do, way too often!).
    Well, that's what I'm saying...let it slide for 20 years? Good luck changing anything now.
    Jeff Matz, Jazz Guitar:
    http://www.youtube.com/user/jeffreymatz

    "Of what use is a dream, if not a blueprint for courageous action?"

    --Adam West, as Batman, 1966.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Mar 2014
    Location
    SF Bay Area
    Posts
    852
    What you accept, you teach.

    If you insist on working with this person, why not give him a 30 minute or hour earlier start time from the actual?

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Sep 2015
    Location
    So Cal USA
    Posts
    238
    Quote Originally Posted by Gitfiddler View Post
    What you accept, you teach.

    If you insist on working with this person, why not give him a 30 minute or hour earlier start time from the actual?
    This is what we do when we invite my wife's Italian relatives over for a gathering. This way they only show up an hour late!

  11. #11
    Weak on rhythm, never helps, chronically late... for 20 years and the OP was ok with that? Sorry it just doesn't add up. There must be something more than just music in this relationship.

  12. #12
    Aside from being late, it sounds like he just doesn't take it as seriously (professionally) as you do. Mention to him that it's not as fun as it once was, so he's got some idea, it's been a long running gig afterall, and if he persists, do find a different situation.
    A gig should not be a cause for that kind of anxiety. Just make it clear that his behaviour is the cause of it.

    David

  13. #13
    He's giving mandolin players a bad rep.
    Pete Martin - just a mandolin guy but loves jazz guitar
    www.PetimarPress.com www.Jazz-Mandolin.com
    http://Www.Swingmatism.net Jazz
    www.TheNeighborhoodBoys.com Bluegrass

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Location
    Baja Baja Oklahoma
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    2,370
    It comes down to how much you like this guy outside of the music relationship. Sometimes friendship has to overlook things that aren't perfect. If friendship with him is important, then I don't have a good answer, because only you can decide if it's strong enough to overlook his behavior. If friendship isn't an issue, then find another gigging partner. That can be hard, but going solo until you do might be less stressful than what you have now. But the bottom line is that strangers on the internet cannot give you advice you can trust.

  15. #15
    Join Date
    May 2010
    Location
    Mystic CT
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    Friendship is a two-way street. I would never consider someone so selfish and irresponsible a friend. Turns out, when I gave up friendship because of bad behavior, I lost very little.

  16. #16
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
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    Baja Baja Oklahoma
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    Friendship is different for different people, for many different reasons. I would never question someone else's relationship, only my own. Even if I knew their entire history, which I certainly don't in this case, I would never make any judgement about a friendship I wasn't involved in.

  17. #17
    why dont you arrive after him. see how he handles that pressure.

  18. #18
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    East of Eden
    Posts
    5,078
    Obviously, you need him for some very important reason that you won't mention, otherwise, you explained how you don't really need him for anything....I don't buy this. Maybe he's been trying to send you a message...

  19. #19
    Quote Originally Posted by Durban View Post
    why dont you arrive after him. see how he handles that pressure.
    And lose the gig altogether! Smart.

  20. #20

    Duo partner chronically late

    New rules:
    If you’re early, you’re on time.
    If you’re on time, you’re late.
    If you’re late, you’re fired.

  21. #21
    Join Date
    Apr 2018
    Location
    Northern Michigan
    Posts
    142
    Need to have a father-son talk.

    Try telling him if he's late, you're going to dock his pay 50%, that if he values the gig he'd better be on time.

    If he screws up again, show him the door.

    In the meantime, look for a replacement.

  22. #22
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    St.Petersburg, Russian Federation
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    2,474
    With your wife you can wait for 20 years and maybe even more, but with gig partner one month is enough)

  23. #23

    You're right

    I don't think you are wrong. To me it is disrespectful when players are late. Of course there are things that come up but chronically late is different.

    I am sure you will find a player who is punctual and as good or better.

    Good luck to you!

  24. #24
    Join Date
    Jan 2017
    Location
    Athens, Greece
    Posts
    515

    Amps

    It's a personality thing. I have this friend, a very active drummer here, we play together often. We 've played gigs where we did the first set drumless cause he arrived on the second. His best was on an island gig where he missed the boat and arrived the next day after the gig ! He does arrive a bit less late with age though!

  25. #25
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Location
    Baja Baja Oklahoma
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    2,370
    Sometimes you just have to accept tardiness. My wife has been late for just about everything, for all the 40+ years we've been married. But I've come to expect her to be late getting ready, plan accordingly, and I'm not about to end our marriage just because of it. Every relationship is different, though, and I suspect marriages have failed because one or the other spouse was chronically late. Thus I won't criticize any relationship other than my own.

  26. #26
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    East of Eden
    Posts
    5,078
    I was gigging often with an undependable bassist who showed up when he felt like it. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I offered to pay him, and he hasn't been late since...

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