Constructive Feedback, Please

[msr13]

I wrote my first jazz tune. May I please have some constructive feedback to make it better? Any input is appreciated. Thanks.

Here is the lead sheet. On the lead sheet, the final measures with the Bb note should not be there. The melody ends Cm7 chord at the end.

I also made a BIAB track of it with two repeats. The first and third runs contain the melody. The second contains BIAB's own solo. And, finally, I made a poorly timed once through as a chord melody (which I posted in the Apogee thread in the gear section, but applies more now to this). Again, thanks for any input.

http://dl.dropbox.com/u/22365133/Kid%27s%20Lullaby.mp3

YouTube Video

[Soco]

I like the melody on this tune it is very pretty. I would suggest changing some of the chords to make it sound more interesting. Try a Gmaj7 in the 3rd bar(instead of Em7),
then in the 4th bar throw in a B7#9(instead of Cma7), then Gmaj7 again in the 7th bar and in the 8th bar throw in a D7sus4(instead of Cmaj7).
For the next section try switching the A dim for a D/C(bar 11) then go to a Bmb6 in the next bar(instead of Gmaj7).You could put the note B in the melody in this bar(instead of D), then keep the D in the next bar, but change the chord to Em9(instead of Cm) then keep the Cm in the next bar.
The A dim in bar 15 works, but I would change the last note in that bar to a D# instead of D natural and then land on the D in the next bar(16) with the chord Gm7, then in the next bar go for a a Bmaj#11 with A# in the melody then Abmaj#11 with G in the melody then tie over the melody to the next bar where you can throw in a B7#9(this being the last bar).That means skipping to two last bars and making it an 18 bar form instead of 20. I would also skip the 2nd ending. The end of the tune could be a cool vamp on Gm7-Bmaj#11-Abmaj7#11-B7#9.
Try it out and see what you think, certain voicing's might work better than others. I will give the tune a bit more modern flavor-that might not be what you have in mind. Again, nice melody-with a few adjustments(either some the ones I mentioned or others) it can give it a bit more drama and make it into a really nice tune. You could try it out as a Bossa nova/straight 8's type of thing also.

[msr13]

Those are extremely useful suggestions, Jostein. Very much appreciated. I will make the edits and re-post an updated version. I especially like the D# to D melody shift. Thanks again.

[wizard3739]

Like Soco said it is a good melody, also a good harmony and with no changes it is a good song. I kind of agree with Soco on his suggested changes to give the song just a tad more interesting harmony with some added tension in the chords. I liked the chord melody version most.

wiz

[mtierney]

In a way, I liked the lack of tensions harmonically because it made it sound almost like a Bill Evans-ish impressionist song. I think it depends on what you're looking for, because I can understand a desire for more tension, but I enjoyed the piece as it was in a completely different way. I think that if you make the changes (as they currently are) a bit more ambiguous, with the help of maybe a piano or a bass (unfortunately, BIAB won't really help your ambiguity), and maybe throw in some quartal voicings, you'll notice that the first eight bars or so are basically just substitution chords for one another.

Soco and Wizard both have good ideas about adding more dominant harmonies into it to make a better tension and release, but the impression that I got from the song is that it can be more of a mood based experience, where there doesn't have to be tension so much as centers that shift every now and then.

It's really nice though, cool ideas.

[msr13]

Thanks, Wiz and Mtierney. Appreciate the input. I made Jostein's suggestions (most of them). Here is a v2 BIAB track to get some sound perspective and compare to the v1 and also, an v2 lead sheet to compare.

I find, at least initially, that Jostein's ideas really added texture and a bit of harmonic complexity without changing the overall piece too much. I think they were really helpful changes.

http://dl.dropbox.com/u/22365133/Kid...llaby%20v2.mp3

[Soco]

Hi, that's cool! It sounds different now.
I would maybe suggest a couple of adjustments on the melody. If you skip the note G at the end of the 2nd bar, it will sound more natural going to the F# in the melody in the 3rd bar. Also I think it it would sound better if you skip the E in the melody at the end of the 4th bar. It might sound soother. In the 10th bar try to just play a D in the whole bar-it might sound smoother coming from the previous bar. Also perhaps, in bar 11, change the last melody note from C to D(it might make the D/C chord that I suggested make more sense.
Also maybe in bar 20 skip the F#m7b5 and tie over the B7#9 from bar 19.
I think a Dm9 in the 2nd ending might sound better.
Again, you don't have to follow these, it is a nice tune as it is. Great job on your first jazz composition!

[msr13]

Thanks for the additional input, Jostein. I really appreciate it.

[Soco]

Originally Posted by msr13

Thanks for the additional input, Jostein. I really appreciate it.

No problem Matt, I hope you enjoy writing. The more you do it the easier it to see certain things. Keep on doing it!

[mississippi]

The single notes were very much in line with the feel of the tune. Sounded very smooth.