guitar vs your girlfriend

frogtime · #1 03-28-2011, 10:52 PM

for me i'm spending my days mostly on guitar, standards, band in a box, e-books, articles, transcriptions, everything about jazz or any music. practising and learning is the big part of my life like i think lots of serious players here do.

on the other hand, my girlfriend always needs to be cared from me. she is not into music. i love being with her. but i can't stand spending too much time. for her, musical training seems to be just a hobby or wasting time.

anyway, she is briefly not a musician, so i know you'll understand me.

do you fully satisfied for music and love? successfully maintaining both of them by not restricting?

do you have advices about that situation? i don't want to break her i love her and i don't want to restrict my musical life i love music.

tell your relationships. how it works?

docbop · #2 03-28-2011, 11:21 PM

You and your dam musician friends, don't bring them around me.

You love your guitar more than me.

Either they understand or don't. Most musicians I know with good relationships their SO is a musician or into something that requires the same kind of dedication.

teleman3726 · #3 03-28-2011, 11:38 PM

If she doesn't dig your music and need to be a player, then try to educate her. If she still doesn't budge, ditch her. Believe me. Been there. If she thinks music is only a hobby to you, everything else you will want to do will be a "hobby" to her - of course, everything except spending time on her and stuff she likes.
Most chicks don't get our need to learn, create, experiment.

CGKnight · #4 03-29-2011, 12:06 AM

http://www.jazzguitar.be/forum/chit-...-byrdland.html

max chill · #5 03-29-2011, 12:11 AM

She sounds like a sensible girl, maybe she can save you. Playing guitar is not a substitute for real life. Regardless of what others think, jazz guitar IS only a hobby.

Flyin' Brian · #6 03-29-2011, 12:13 AM

My wife and family are necessities in my life. So is music. They can co-exist. It just requires some common sense.

CGKnight · #7 03-29-2011, 03:28 AM

"Regardless of what others think, jazz guitar IS only a hobby."
Clearly, you're not very passionate about it. Doesn't mean everyone is like that. For some, it's the very reason to live. Now I guess both sides have been put in front of the OP...he'll have to choose for what he gives more importance - obsession with music (and it's pros and cons), or a balance (and it's pros and cons).

czardas · #8 03-29-2011, 04:12 AM

Guitar

equals

girlfriend

EinarG · #9 03-29-2011, 04:50 AM

Luckily, I've got a girlfriend that knows what jazz means to me. She knows that without music, my life would be pretty empty. She also likes my playing, and find it kind of therapeutic listening to me practising and writing. It hasn't always been like this though. In the beginning, my playing was pretty bad, and I noticed how she would react after I'd practised a symmetrical scale for an hour. Nowadays, I can pick up just about any lead sheet and make it sound OK. That helps.

Also, keep playing them ballads. Try to practise bop or modern stuff when she's not around!

randalljazz · #10 03-29-2011, 05:50 AM

Aristotle · #11 03-29-2011, 06:18 AM

Movie: Forget Paris.
Couple gets married, wife wants husband, an NBA referee, (a pretty special job) to quit and ref local high-school games so he won't be on the road. (His friend tells, "If a woman doesn't get what your about, move on.") Later, she takes a job in Europe becasue he won't quit the NBA.

TV Series: Entourage
Driven, compulsive Hollywood agent becomes so successful, he can consider getting an NFL franchise in LA. His wife, who surely seems to enjoy spending his money, is so aggravated by him working so much, she leaves him.

A pattern seems to be emerging. And a theme. You think it's bad, now? - wait till one of these girlfriends becomes your wife. Then, you'll really have something to fret about.

Modalguru · #12 03-29-2011, 07:30 AM

First of all you have to make clear, that spending time for music is spending time with yourself you need to grow as a person. Your physical instrument is not in competition with your girl.

On the other hand any relation is about giving and taking. You have to compensate a bit for the time you spend with music. Don't hang around with your girlfriend in front of the tv when you spent time together. Plan some nice activities. Explain your goals and activities in music (this week, I've to do this and that) and during the same conversation ask her, what she wants to do during the time you spend together and make your own suggestions. Show that you care!

And play gigs. Girls (wives too!) love to see their honey up there on stage. The better and more popular the other musicians you play with are, the prouder your girl will be. It's hard to explain yourself as a bedroom musician...

Cheers, Modalguru

JohnRoss · #13 03-29-2011, 08:36 AM

You know that Robert Frost line, "Good fences make good neighbors?" It's true about relationships, as well. You have your life, she has hers, they overlap a lot, but it doesn't have to be all the time, and probably shouldn't be. Nowadays my wife and I (silver anniversary looming) both work at home, which I found frankly oppressive at first, now it's no problem. Solution: we barely communicate during working hours (which tend to be at least ten hours a day, that's freelancing for you), in fact, we're about five yards away from each other, and we communicate more by e-mail than anything else - when we want to converse, we'll probably go out for a drink or something. And when I want to play guitar, which is often, we close all the doors between us, no problem, why should she have to listen to me playing the same pieces and scales, over and over again? It would drive anyone mad, and the guitar is my thing, not hers.

pingu · #14 03-29-2011, 08:44 AM

The begining of a relationship can be all consuming

We need love and music ..... its cool
Later on it does take some negotiation
its really a balance like Randall suggested

Some time together .....
Some time apart .......

Yeah play a gig and on the mic dedicate a beautiful ballad to her

Drumbler · #15 03-29-2011, 08:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by frogtime

for me i'm spending my days mostly on guitar, standards, band in a box, e-books, articles, transcriptions, everything about jazz or any music. practising and learning is the big part of my life like i think lots of serious players here do.

on the other hand, my girlfriend always needs to be cared from me. she is not into music. i love being with her. but i can't stand spending too much time. for her, musical training seems to be just a hobby or wasting time.

anyway, she is briefly not a musician, so i know you'll understand me.

do you fully satisfied for music and love? successfully maintaining both of them by not restricting?

do you have advices about that situation? i don't want to break her i love her and i don't want to restrict my musical life i love music.

tell your relationships. how it works?

It will only get worse. Next she'll want you to get a job. And even help pay the rent.

mr. beaumont · #16 03-29-2011, 09:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by max chill

She sounds like a sensible girl, maybe she can save you. Playing guitar is not a substitute for real life. Regardless of what others think, jazz guitar IS only a hobby.

A hobby that makes for a substantial part of my income. Maybe guitar is just a hobby for you.

My wife realizes this and encourages my guitar playing/teaching/gigging. In turn I support her in what she does and don't expect her to change to suit my needs.

A person who is a good match for you is not your ideal--it is a person who allows you to realize your ideal self. You should do the same for her.

If not, plenty 'o fish in the sea.

matt.guitarteacher · #17 03-29-2011, 09:40 AM

Balance in life is a good thing. Making money certainly justifies one's art in a tangible way, but that shouldn't be the only justification for playing. You've got to feed your soul as well. A good woman will understand this if you've got the rest of your priorities properly placed.

Here's a great read that FatJeff linked to in an earlier thread:

Guitarist Douglas Niedt, Guitar Technique Tip of the Month

"The important thing to realize, and the
point of this essay, is that the guitar feeds your soul. That is the most important reason to play
any musical instrument. And to do it every day."

whatswisdom · #18 03-29-2011, 10:13 AM

I had to dump a chick once because all she liked was '50s oldies. (By that I mean the music, not oldies in their '50s.) I would advise you to turn her on to good jazz. I turned my girlfriend on to Paul Desmond and everything fell into place.

M-ster · #19 03-29-2011, 12:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Drumbler

It will only get worse. Next she'll want you to get a job. And even help pay the rent.

bahama · #20 03-29-2011, 12:41 PM

good luck OP and let us know how it develops

ejwhite09 · #21 03-29-2011, 12:45 PM

If you're playing gigs and bringing home bread, your woman will not care. Anything that brings in money will keep a woman happy, trust me. Women will tolerate acute infidelity before they tolerate chronic brokeness.

If you are just sitting around playing guitar all day and then going to work 8 hours a day, playing no gigs whatsoever. Then she has a valid point and you need to reevaluate your priorities.

It is not fair at all to her if you are neglecting her to be the best living room jazz guitarist of all time. If you are playing gigs, even if they aren't paying, that is if you are practicing to maintain a level of playing that has gotten you to the point where people actually listen to you play then she needs to understand or you need to move on(disclaimer: i know 'moving on' is the hardest thing in the world to do, and the easiet thing in the world to say, dream about, fantasize about, talk about, etc).

So I'm not sure where you are on this scale but if you aren't gigging or teaching, she has a point, if you are then you have a point.

In any event, you know what I find helps a lot. One night when she's in bed walk into the darkness and sit down next to her and start strumming lightly her favorite song....this way she'll see even when you're running scales ad nauseum you're still thinking of her.

Markyboy · #22 03-29-2011, 12:46 PM

When you have a partner, you still can have some freedom.
When you have children.... you have responsability.
You have to understand that most women expect more from life than being married to a bloke who just wants to play guitar all day. If you just want to play guitar all day... don't fool her or yourself. It's indeed a choice you have to make: go your own way.... or share your path but allow your partner to participate in your life.

ptrallan01 · #23 03-29-2011, 12:52 PM

You've got to give a little,
take a little,
and let your poor heart break a little,
That's the story of
That's the glory of
Love.

While your practicing learn to play that song, teach her to sing it and then work it out. If you can't work it out before you marry her it will only get worse once you do. If you can it will only get better.

paynow · #24 03-29-2011, 01:15 PM

The next time your girl complains about your music habit, tell her this joke to cheer her up:

A man is sitting in the bar with his wife and he says, "I love you."
She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"
He replies, "It's me talking to the beer."

JohnRoss · #25 03-29-2011, 02:32 PM

ejwhite09 · #26 03-29-2011, 04:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by paynow

The next time your girl complains about your music habit, tell her this joke to cheer her up:

A man is sitting in the bar with his wife and he says, "I love you."
She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"
He replies, "It's me talking to the beer."

Can I quote you on that?

paynow · #27 03-29-2011, 05:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ejwhite09

Can I quote you on that?

When telling this joke to your own girlfriend you must take your own responsibility for it. Or just tell her that Moses wrote it, because that's about how old it is.

NeillonGuitar · #28 03-29-2011, 05:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by max chill

She sounds like a sensible girl, maybe she can save you. Playing guitar is not a substitute for real life. Regardless of what others think, jazz guitar IS only a hobby.

No offence, but I don't think this computes. At least for me and what I've heard, experienced and get paid to perform. If you want to progress, thinking like this about the artform will hold you back. In fact, for any form of art.

NL

Spirit59 · #29 03-29-2011, 05:36 PM

I've never had to deal with your situation because any woman in my life has just automatically known not to "go there". Seriously. And my built-in radar is such that I can spot that stuff miles away.

The solution is simple I think: Make sure you partner with someone who, like you, has a passion - doesn't have to music - could be anything.

They're going to understand - you'll never need to explain and vice versa.

People without passion(s) tend to be needy. People without passion(s) always seem to want to be entertained. People without passion(s) usually don't bring much to the table, and for me, there just wouldn't be any sustained interest in a relationship. If I ever hear, "I bored...", I know it's time to run to the hills!

paynow · #30 03-29-2011, 05:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Spirit59

I've never had to deal with your situation because any woman in my life has just automatically known not to "go there". Seriously. And my built-in radar is such that I can spot that stuff miles away.

The solution is simple I think: Make sure you partner with someone who, like you, has a passion - doesn't have to music - could be anything.

They're going to understand - you'll never need to explain and vice versa.

People without passion(s) tend to be needy. People without passion(s) always seem to want to be entertained. People without passion(s) usually don't bring much to the table, and for me, there just wouldn't be any sustained interest in a relationship. If I ever hear, "I bored...", I know it's time to run to the hills!

+1,000,000 + interest, especially the last sentence. I've seen this issue with cats I know who are monster players and make A LIVING (NOT A HOBBY) in this business. The SO, if they don't have anything going in, craves attention.

When I was a kid I once told the old man I was bored. His response was "Am I wearing a tuxedo and a top hat?" When I said no, he said "That's because I'm not running a circus." And he was a musician with a great many tuxedos in constant use so you knew he wasn't fu@#ing around.

Bored. What hor-eshit. When you run to those hills you'll find me already living there in a tent.